Chicago, IL-The newest way to spend money that you don’t have in order to generate Instagram content and spare yourself from any type of self-reflection or original thought is officially here! Escape Hole is the newest player, in the luxury, leisure self-confinement industry. But unlike other escape rooms in which guests are forced to solve ill-conceived riddles with coworkers and family members they find tolerable, Escape Hole is the first ever solo escape room.
Guests are locked in a tiny room, containing only a baby pool filled to the brim with a combination of Heinz Mayonnaise, 2% milk and your choice of scented or unscented Vaseline. The room itself has a variety of burlap lined holes and crevices, each unnaturally small, for the person to strip down and try and birth through.
Unlike other escape rooms, you’ll feel the crushing paranoia of having to probe and prod the different crevices to find out which one you can desperately cram your flesh into to ooze out the other side.
But there is light at the end of the tunnel! If you escape successfully, your greased and scratched body will be spewed into the adjoining Fuddruckers where you can enjoy a heaving burger with other lonely, pathetic participants.
Mundelein, IL-Strip club attendance has plummeted in recent years, as enthusiasts grow shrewder in the struggling economic environment and the invention of Pornhub forcing the regulars into hiding, existing only as a pair of eyes through worn shudders. That coupled with the ability to listen to Cherry Pie by Warrant on Spotify at virtually any point in the day has rendered the age old past time of pathetically sitting in the dark in a pair of soiled sweatpants all but extinct.
But one gentlemen’s club in Mundelein Illinois isn’t ready slide into irrelevance, like Jade on stage 9, that quickly. Aptly named “Moon Tits,” has rolled out an elaborate customer reward program that could rejuvenate the dying industry. Any customer that has a debilitating gout condition and spends over 40% of their salary at the club will be eligible for a BOGO cold cut sandwich with purchase of a pint of skim milk.
“People come for the women but stay for the cold cuts and skim milk here at Moon Tits, the only place where you can see tits in anti-gravity while enjoying a heaving deli sandwich,” said strip club owner Jake Fleming, pouring a massive glass of Dean’s.
So pop on your favorite pair of Champion sweatpants and Skechers Shape Ups and come out to Moon Tits for your chance at a glass of milk and a fist full of cold cuts.
Elmhurst, IL-On Wednesday, a man experienced what it’s like to truly risk it all for something you love, as his doughy frame nestled comfortably into the chaise on a moderately priced couch. A light perspiration had formed on his forehead as his body prepared itself for the ultimate sacrifice, that is it purchasing concert tickets online.
A calendar reminder had been dutifully made along with the link to buy the tickets, but like all things in life, nothing was certain. He would undoubtedly have to gut this one out, dig deep into his depleted vault of courage after it had been ravaged earlier that day when he heroically ventured out to get brunch with a slight hangover.
His unblemished hands, a result of a lifetime of inactivity, hovered over the keyboard trembling with the thrill of the hunt. As the violent browser refreshes reached a frenzy, the site finally pushed the ticket purchasing system live. The room began to spin and a mild erection formed, his body’s response to stimulation in an otherwise completely uninteresting existence.
As the tickets were added to the cart he promptly retched the morning’s spoils onto his keyboard and fumbled for his credit card as the countdown clock for the tickets in his cart began. This was bravery. This was transcending fear. This was living life on the edge.
Ticket order processed and his digital checking account appeared $25 lighter the result of the most exciting thing to happen to him in months.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.
The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.
“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.
Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.
Chicago, IL-A GrubHub order that, upon creation, seemed destined to reach the sacred promised land of convenience and affordability has forsaken a customer once again. What started as a four taco order with a side of chips and guacamole evolved into a $62 fiesta after factoring in minimum order amount, taxes, tip, delivery charge, driver gratuity, taco making tariff, avocado upcharge, steak upcharge, chicken upcharge, baggy of cilantro upcharge and optional returning customer loyalty fare.
The initial bill was a blur as an all-consuming laziness and desperation for lukewarm delivery enveloped the customer on the couch, paralyzed by a heated Law and Order SVU marathon. Any price seemed reasonable to avoid the appalling idea of cooking or even more upsetting prospect of putting on cloths. And the inevitable Instagram boasting about a sleepy Friday night in.
The next day the crippling guilt of a $62 taco delivery hanged heavy in the studio apartment now covered in soiled wrappers. Maybe weeping into a dirty taco sack is what convenience looks like.
As thousands of GrubHub orders are placed daily, modest thrill seekers still covet the lucrative order that will against all odds make it under $50.
Renowned fantasy expert Bill Biscane has boldly predicted that someone currently playing in the National Football League could either go off or do absolutely nothing for fantasy teams around the world this weekend. “Look…he’s either going to go berserk, do nothing, or do something in between.” Confirmed Biscane, a knowing grin forming across his face. Biscane has been making gutsy forecasts like this for years, forecasts that anyone with a rudimentary knowledge of the game of football could never make.
“Would I start him? Maybe but in that same respect maybe not. It’s really a complete 50/50 and depends on how your team is structured, the fear is that someone else could score more fantasy points, in that case I would not start him.” Continued Biscane adjusting a pair of nonprescription glasses.
With this kind of hard hitting analysis, it’s easy to see why they leave this highly esteemed profession to people who really know fantasy football. Watching football all day and casting out vague predictions is a difficult, gritty job but goddamnit someone has to do it. Having potential implications on an imaginary game is a responsibility very few can handle.
“Any player could do anything at any given moment, they could also do nothing…so in that sense every player is both completely startable every week and also completely unusable…do you follow?” Concluded Biscane, his voice brimming with confidence.