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New stimulus package just a shared premium PornHub account for the country

Washington, D.C. – Residents hit hard by the COVID-19 pandemic are on the verge of receiving the largest, most swollen stimulus package they can handle. After a tumultuous several weeks of negotiations between Democrats and Republicans, which involved sitting in a drum circle and passing around a sock full of sniffing glue, both sides finally agreed to a historic deal that will provide widespread relief toward a nation they are indifferent toward. 

On Thursday, premium PornHub accounts will be issued to every person currently living in the United States, including those here illegally. 

“The Republicans we’re pushing hard that VIP access to the unlimited strobe of gaping holes be limited to legal residents only, but we fought damn hard to make sure everyone had access to perfectly curated money shot compilations,” said newly appointed Democratic House Leader Phillip Biggins. 

Though the skin jacuzzi bill does nothing to remedy the inexcusable mistreatment of immigrants that is still in DESPERATE need of reform, both sides hope that the provision of undiscovered pornographic content will be enough to make the country forget about that problem and the litany of other problems that fester within the diseased corpse of a dying empire.

“Our science tells us that people who watch porn are happy, so even with the economic and social fabric of the country melting into oblivion, watching two piles of indiscernible flesh belt sanding eachother in 3D should at least make a person’s last dying moments of COVID-19 memorable enough,” said Republican Senate Leader Mitch McConnel. 

So although the incompetence of our government is shining brighter than the most severe porn lighting on the bleached asshole of America, at least 60,000 hours of obscure HD fetishes will be there to heal even the worst economic or physical COVID symptoms.