One Tie All Tie

Ty Warner Beanie Babies officially a safer investment than stock market

As the DOW continues to plummet, analysts everywhere are calling to liquidate portfolios. But with investors seeking refuge from the carnage, is there an investment option slightly less flimsy than a deteriorating global economy ushering us to the end of the world? One lesser-known analyst is promoting an investment strategy that may have been hastily overlooked.

“Beanie Babies,” suggested Bill Biscane, a self-proclaimed stock market expert and early 90’s plush toy enthusiast. “The retired, misprint, Princess Diana bear will be worth more than Google and Apple combined when this slaughtering is finished. Believe me, you’ll sleep way easier knowing your life savings are wholly invested in two felt pieces of cloth, stuffed with beans and tie dyed,” continued Biscane slowly stroking a mint condition Tabasco the Bull, contained in a vacuum sealed bag.

Other experts have since jumped on board agreeing that given the current economic landscape investing in beanie babies is a perfectly viable option. The barrier to entry is high but in the end when you lose absolutely everything you have, you’ll at least have a shoddily made stuffed animal as consolation.