Beaverdale, Iowa-Something special happened on Monday during the two hour spectacle of manufactured romance in which women are forced to diminish standards and settle for a lifetime of mediocrity with a guy barely capable of stringing together a coherent sentence, let alone feel actual human emotion.
Compelled by a country depressingly seeking hope in reality television and conditioned to believe that her only chance at true love involves battling 25 other women for the affection of a bearded dullard, the contestant said she was ready for the next step.
“From a super small town, wears henleys, has a beard, unable to read or write, speaks only in vague platitudes, once attempted to write I have a crush on you in dirty bandages on my bathroom mirror, he’s got everything a girl could want,” said the contestant taking a rip off of a duster canister.
“Tonight after we spend an hour telling each other how happy we are to just be here, I’m going to tell him that I officially feel like I can start the process of at some point in my life begin thinking about the prospect of falling in love with him,” continued the contestant now ugly crying.
The bachelor himself will respond by nodding and staring aloofly in the distance, a steady stream of drool dripping from his agape mouth.
Next season the Bachelor is getting a sexy, mischievous makeover that will rouse the brain dead regular viewers from their passive stupor. Watch as a filth ridden island several hundred feet from the northern Indiana border is turned into an erotic paradise for the returning bachelor Juan Pablo to embarrassingly bask, prance and flex on. But that’s not all…this season something different happens. Something that will change the Bachelor landscape for years to come. The inevitable evolution of the show fully realized in all-encompassing loneliness. The women on the show will be replaced with Fleshlights and Smart TVs equipped with premium subscriptions to PornHub.
The usual mind numbing nature of the show will be ratcheded up tenfold as a vastly incompetent Juan Pablo sheepishly flirts with the different inanimate objects while trying to decide on which device he’ll spend the rest of his life with. There will be those memorable romantic moments, hilarious banter and who could forget…DRAMA! The show will depict the growing reliance on synthetic stimulation and the isolation it is causing among us…but in a super fun way! Watch as Juan Pablo awkwardly navigates meeting the parents of a quaint midwestern fleshlight and when he decides another is special enough to bring up to the honeymoon suite for a night of carnal gluttony. With each device being more interesting than the bachelor himself…who is he to choose?!
So tune in to the hottest new reality television show that critics are calling “A completely sickening glimpse into how egotistical and self-gratifying we’ve all become,” “Oddly void of any sexuality” and “Degrading to fleshlights worldwide” Watch The Bachelor: Fleshlight Island, Tuesdays on ABC at 3:00 a.m. immediately following reruns of Dr. Ken.