One Tie All Tie

Bachelor contestant believes that this is a guy she could someday consider starting the process of feeling like she could potentially, sometime in her allotted time on earth, begin falling in love with

Beaverdale, Iowa-Something special happened on Monday during the two hour spectacle of manufactured romance in which women are forced to diminish standards and settle for a lifetime of mediocrity with a guy barely capable of stringing together a coherent sentence, let alone feel actual human emotion.

Compelled by a country depressingly seeking hope in reality television and conditioned to believe that her only chance at true love involves battling 25 other women for the affection of a bearded dullard, the contestant said she was ready for the next step.

“From a super small town, wears henleys, has a beard, unable to read or write, speaks only in vague platitudes, once attempted to write I have a crush on you in dirty bandages on my bathroom mirror, he’s got everything a girl could want,” said the contestant taking a rip off of a duster canister.

“Tonight after we spend an hour telling each other how happy we are to just be here, I’m going to tell him that I officially feel like I can start the process of at some point in my life begin thinking about the prospect of falling in love with him,” continued the contestant now ugly crying.

The bachelor himself will respond by nodding and staring aloofly in the distance, a steady stream of drool dripping from his agape mouth.