Universal Studios, Orlando-A bachelorette party, which required guests to spend over $400 on disposable bride themed swag and take a full week off work, proved to be a truly unforgettable and not at all burdensome experience after a boomerang surfaced of party attendees boastfully cheersing plastic champagne flutes full of Barefoot Rosé.
“It took about 20 minutes to get the right boomerang, but that kind of persistence, adherence to personal branding, and disregard of interests outside of Instagram is what THIS bride tribe is all about…am I right ladies?!? Who’s having a good fucking time!?” screamed Kelli Barnett while dragging the hungover and sunburnt group of girls to get their picture taken with a wax statue of Draco Malfoy at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Because the heavily curated and patrolled bachelorette Instagram hashtag permitted only joyous, albeit naturally joyous and not doctored looking posts, the rest of the world can only imagine the underlying misery. A weekend distilled into tears and vomit.
“What we lack in personality, we make up for in sheer volume of posts…I mean…we’re all just a little EXTRA…mmmmkayyy?” continued Barnett furiously applying filters to a dreadful looking picture.
Beaverdale, Iowa-Something special happened on Monday during the two hour spectacle of manufactured romance in which women are forced to diminish standards and settle for a lifetime of mediocrity with a guy barely capable of stringing together a coherent sentence, let alone feel actual human emotion.
Compelled by a country depressingly seeking hope in reality television and conditioned to believe that her only chance at true love involves battling 25 other women for the affection of a bearded dullard, the contestant said she was ready for the next step.
“From a super small town, wears henleys, has a beard, unable to read or write, speaks only in vague platitudes, once attempted to write I have a crush on you in dirty bandages on my bathroom mirror, he’s got everything a girl could want,” said the contestant taking a rip off of a duster canister.
“Tonight after we spend an hour telling each other how happy we are to just be here, I’m going to tell him that I officially feel like I can start the process of at some point in my life begin thinking about the prospect of falling in love with him,” continued the contestant now ugly crying.
The bachelor himself will respond by nodding and staring aloofly in the distance, a steady stream of drool dripping from his agape mouth.