Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.
In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.
Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.
“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.
The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.
Chicago, IL-A new men’s fashion company, which will undoubtedly haunt any inch of available ad space during leisurely browsing sessions, has promised men everywhere that if they sign up for their hourly, curated clothing delivery service, they will for sure get laid…by CHICKS. That’s right, anyone who signs up for a five year subscription with Secret Man Club is guaranteed to either get laid OR beat off alone during the five year span.
“Being a member of the Secret Man Club gives you all the confidence of someone who owns a timeshare in Myrtle Beach,” said owner Chaz Tipton selecting a batch of idiotic looking pocket squares to send out to clients.
The five year span of hourly deliveries equates to approximately 43,800 pieces of useless garbage that someone less fortunate suffered to create, the perfect gift for that person in your life that loves being caught in the crippling spiral of consumerism and the prescription of clothing comparable to a parent dressing an incompetent child.
“We get feedback all the time from the hordes of desperate gremlins wearing suit coats, deep V-necks, jeans, and those brilliant square toed loafers, lurking in the shadows of bars before going home alone and tugging one out into one of our bespoke tissues,” continued Tipton sipping a freshly poured Redbull and vodka.
Secret Man Club only costs $100 a day, so neglect your well-being and loved ones and sign up today.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to empower women and destroy the patriarchy that has suffocated an entire gender since the beginning of time, one Chicago bar is installing a Ladies Night, in which women only have to pay a $5 cover and unwanted sexual advancements are strictly forbidden until after 10:00 p.m. CDT.
“We here at Bottled Blonde are all about progress and change, and women should by all means have a bar, where if they pay a cover charge, they can drink safely until 10:00 p.m. CDT,” said Bottled Blonder owner Terry Horvath, wringing a fresh batch of slime out of his deep V-neck shirt.
After 10:00 p.m. the hordes of drooling fucking gremlins in suit coats and jeans, mentally incapable of understanding how to wipe their own ass, are free to do what comes naturally, and harass at will. “Every brain-dead goddamn chicken-shit loser in this city should have an equal shot at a babe totally out of his league! That’s how it works! That’s what these women want! They want dull, they desire incompetence! They want a drooling dullard wearing Trunk Club from head to toe!” concluded Horvath staring at the beckoning noose and wobbly chair hanging in the middle of his desolate bar.
John Barleycorn-Is that a cool spring breeze tumbling across a dewy field, as the sun bathes the ancient walls of a majestic castle? No, but a complete stranger blowing in your face immediately after a Rumple Minze shot is similar enough. Settle into this cozy little slice of Ireland with traditional Irish fare such as; Buffalo Chicken Wraps and buckets of Michelob Ultra, just like what Ma and Pa serve across the pond. Because the bar is always charmingly full, you and your date will be forced to interact nose to nose and because it’s unbearably loud, well you’ll be screaming sweet nothings in each other’s bleeding ears all night. So May the road rise up to meet you. So, may the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, GET BLACK OUT DRUNK ON BOGO VEGAS BOMBS!!!!! (Que Drake air horn noise)
Sluggers Bar & Grill- Chocolate. Flowers. Professional style batting cages. These are the ingredients needed for a perfectly romantic first date. Imagine snuggling up as an unpredictable pitching machine launches 90 MPH fastball right at your head. The laughs and flirting that occur moments after your life passes before your eyes are memories that you’ll share forever! After you’ve gotten a very noticeable first date sweat going, allow your heart to melt along with your feet as you traverse the pleasantly sticky floors and adoringly dance the night away to some smooth and silky music from local jazz favorite Pitbull. The 10 guys swarming you, furiously grinding and spilling drinks are the perfect mood setter for whatever happens next ;). Is that a $6 Coors Light resealable can in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
Deuces & Diamonds-Can you ever go wrong with bottle service AND a wading pool? Treat your date to the ultimate illusion of classiness as you wade around in a tiny pool filled to the brim with the piss of absolutely anyone on Clark Street that day. After you dry off, or don’t, you can feverishly make out on one of the sweaty, faux leather couches. Just make sure you’re both wearing Fox Racing gear and you’ll blend right in! If you’re lucky, maybe your date will get pulled up for the weekly Fireball bikini contest! This little lap of luxury will be our little secret.
Trace-The essence of Nickelback has been the foundation of countless successful first dates and because it’s buried deep in the heart of a quiet, discreet part of town you’ll be able to sip buckets of domestic beer ever so intimately.
Duffy’s Tavern-An amiable little dive bar with no shortage of personality. Romantic lighting that’s bordering on consuming darkness transforms even the most hideous gremlin into prince charming. Prepare yourself for an enchanted deep fryer that will always keep you guessing…is that a chicken tender or fried ostrich feathers? Nothing keeps things exciting like a little spontaneity and with a $20 all you can drink deal well you’ll be spontaneously hurling into a potted plant in no time!