Chicago, IL – Men dressed head to toe in skid-marked Trunk Club athleisure wear have been mourning the loss of embattled bar and grill, Bottled Blonde, as though it were the dad that abandoned them as a child. The sexual harassment forward bar was shuttered a week ago for untold atrocities against humanity, which included a pants shitting competition and free reverse circumcisions with purchase of Buffalo Bleu Burger. However, the hordes of men who do not have a place to practice vague racism and enjoy chicken Cesar wraps, are lashing out against the city that stole their home.
“I go to Bottled Blonde for the judgement free haven for sexual predators and the rad deal on Michelob Ultra buckets, I’ve lost my home,” said one of the petitioners attempting to get the bar established as a historical landmark.
Thousands of these poor souls, who are claiming they are now homeless, have gathered outside of Mayor Lore Lightfoot’s house in an attempt to get the bar established as a protected historical landmark. The tantrum’s being thrown have ultimately swayed the Mayor, who admitted that the bar represented an unfortunate majority of Chicagoan personalities. The cultural significance of a bar that united so many spineless losers to sit in a dark room and drool over women entirely out of their league cannot be underestimated. Lori Lightfoot has agreed to grant the bar historical landmark status with the understanding that anyone who enters the bar must live out the rest of their life there. Dying alone in a dark bar could have been assumed for most of the patrons regardless.