Wrigley field Bathroom, Chicago, IL-An area Cubs fan has been polishing his bathroom line material all off season and will finally get a chance to unleash his sophisticated comedic genius on other fans as they wait eagerly and painfully for their chance to piss butts to nuts in a steaming trough.
“People don’t just come to Cubs games for the baseball or the beer, they want the bathroom comradery! Nothing gets the line moving faster and keeps the laughs rolling like a drunken old man screaming incoherently about pissing habits,” said Rusty Mason, a life-long Cubs fan that is said to bleed Old Style and design Family Guy inspired Cubs merch in his spare time.
The loosely defined “routine” consists of one joke that is recycled from year to year after a culmination of blackouts ultimately render Mason’s short term memory obsolete.
“I’ve got a doozy this year! Guided by the hand of our lord and savior Gordon’s Gin and a sock full of spray-paint! If you shake it more than once, you’re playing with it! Timely, relatable and unique, checks all of the boxes for a good joke!” continued Mason blowing black mold from his handheld AM/FM radio.
Cubs’ fans can look forward to a season of aggressively staring into their iPhones in an attempt to avert eye contact with the snickering maniac seeking affirmation.
A free t-shirt given away at a Cubs game last night stayed consistent with every free t-shirt ever made, fitting only those of us lucky enough to be 4 feet tall and approximately 800 pounds. Like most free t-shirt giveaways, the promoters ordered exclusively XXL’s and stayed consistent with popular free t-shirt styles. A large part of that style is having the XX applied to width rather than length, stopping just above the belly button on normal sized humans while also ballooning out 2 feet in every direction.
The shirt was made with the extremely popular burlap/steel wool blend that is guaranteed to wreak havoc on nipples until it has been washed no less than 5,000 times or given up on and turned into a dish rags. Oddly enough even the most even keeled, mild-mannered person can turn into a raving lunatic while seeking possession of an unwearable garment.
Most people left the night either ready to bury the prized gift deep within the confines of their closet or with completely raw nipples. One man however couldn’t have been happier; Derek Sutton from Shipshewana Indiana is 3’11 and 800 pounds.
“All of the shirts I own are from giveaways; I refer to them affectionately as little-big-guy shirts.” Said Sutton looking incredibly comfortable in the free shirt. “Because I fill the shirt in its entirety, I experience less chaffing than regular people, if you’re anywhere north of four feet tall and south of 800 pounds, you’ll be out of luck” continued Sutton.
The rest of us will continue not being able to wear XXL promotional shirts.