Top 5 things I saw at Lollapalooza after drinking a 5th of Malibu rum out of a sausage casing

Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.

PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.

Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.

Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.

DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!

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Perry’s DJ tent to be held in massive Porta Potty

Chicago, IL-In order to appease the needs of the devolving frenzy of underage, suburban gremlins swarming festival grounds, Lollapalooza has decided that Perry’s DJ tent will be held in a goliath Porta Potty, the largest portable bathroom themed EDM tent of its kind.

“We had to do something big this year and there is nothing bigger or more representative of this festival than a steaming hot, panic-inducing Porta Potty rave, complete with functional toilet on the roof,” said one Lollapalooza representative preparing to butt bong a stale Bud Light Lime.

The rooftop opening is being branded as the “Drop Hole” where attendees are encouraged to scale the flimsy structure and rain beer piss and malnourished bowel movements on the molly fueled crowd below, in unison with the characterless DJ as he drops the beat over and over again. Lollapalooza guarantees over 40 likes on Instagram if you use the hashtag #CloggedTheDropHole.

“This is creating something bigger than just music, something more beautiful, a community of humans so drugged up and aloof that they’re proud of listening to EDM in a toilet,” continued the representative putting the finishing touches on her flower crown.

The christening of the tent will be done by none other than DJ Flabongo, known for wearing a microwave on his head that spins and bakes white dog turds as his sets progress.

Lollapalooza website voted best in user interface by scalpers

Sources have confirmed, the Lollapalooza website has been voted best in user interface by the Bureau of Scalpers. The site enjoyed a narrow victory over PornHub, where scalpers spend the rest of their free time. The unrelenting consistency of the site year after year of catering tickets only to scalpers is what did it. “It’s truly incredible logic they’ve implemented.” Said Paul Serone, proud member of the Bureau since 1994. “I was scared at first, technology is a scary thing, this site taught me not to be scared. It gave me the confidence I needed to buy 200 tickets at a time, knowing that the website will crash when it suspects the user isn’t a scalper.” Continued Serone with quivering lips and watery.

No one knows who designed the website but every facet is a scalper’s playground. Some speculate there is a hidden button to successfully purchase tickets that only appears are scalper’s browsers.

It’s certainly a risk, as scalpers worldwide wonder how long it will be until the people paying the 200% markup realize the festival is a virtual hell on earth. Some say it could be in the next 5 years given the mediocre bands, overpriced beers, miserable crowds and sheer volume of vomit covering the festival grounds.
“Don’t be mad at us.” Said Serone addressing the people who were upset they didn’t get a ticket. “We should be looked at as saviors! No sunburn, no hangover, no fight with your girlfriend and most importantly saved you the disappointment of seeing your favorite band from three football fields away!” Screamed Serone now visibly upset. “All the tickets are sold to rich teens from the suburbs that in turn buy fake drugs from all of the drug dealers inside! We are the last true stimulators of this economy!” Cried Serone now crumpled on the floor.

In a crazy world, one thing you can always count on is not getting tickets to Lollapalooza.

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Man claims to have seen actual live music at Lollapalooza

On Saturday, August 2, at or around 6:15 p.m. CT, a Chicago man is claiming that he actually witnessed an actual band playing something that sounded like music at Lollapalooza. There had been speculation throughout the day that there were actual bands playing live music at the perennial douche convention, but it was ultimately impossible to confirm. The stages had apparently been obscured by thousands of neon clad, flower crowned, drugged-out teens, and any music had been drowned out by the sounds of  violent heaving and screaming “bros”. The combination left the entire experience completely indecipherable. Bringing into question what anyone was actually doing in the park in the first place.

The only evidence we have that any band actually performed over the weekend comes from a brave Chicagoan, who has chosen to remain anonymous. “It was really tough to tell but I’m pretty sure that through my binoculars from about a quarter mile out, I witnessed an iPad, recording another iPad, recording someone instagramming the right shoe of someone playing drums in a popular band”, claimed the man. “It was brief, really brief, and I could only see it when I tilted my head at a 75 degree angle, but it definitely seemed like something. This is something you see once, maybe twice, in an entire lifetime of attending Lollapaloozas”, he furthered. He maintained that seeing that foot made it all worth it. Getting trampled, almost pissing himself because of bathroom lines, getting heckled for not looking like Selena Gomez at Coachella was all forgotten when he saw that foot.

Lollapalooza officials were unable to confirm or deny these reports, apparently unaware as to if there were any bands booked this year or not. No one really seemed to care, maintaining that the music, or even having a good time is an irrelevant component to a successful festival. Officials confirmed that the metrics used to determine the success of a festival were instances of: people blacked out, vintage NBA jerseys, and selfies taken.

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