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Lollapalooza website voted best in user interface by scalpers

Sources have confirmed, the Lollapalooza website has been voted best in user interface by the Bureau of Scalpers. The site enjoyed a narrow victory over PornHub, where scalpers spend the rest of their free time. The unrelenting consistency of the site year after year of catering tickets only to scalpers is what did it. “It’s truly incredible logic they’ve implemented.” Said Paul Serone, proud member of the Bureau since 1994. “I was scared at first, technology is a scary thing, this site taught me not to be scared. It gave me the confidence I needed to buy 200 tickets at a time, knowing that the website will crash when it suspects the user isn’t a scalper.” Continued Serone with quivering lips and watery.

No one knows who designed the website but every facet is a scalper’s playground. Some speculate there is a hidden button to successfully purchase tickets that only appears are scalper’s browsers.

It’s certainly a risk, as scalpers worldwide wonder how long it will be until the people paying the 200% markup realize the festival is a virtual hell on earth. Some say it could be in the next 5 years given the mediocre bands, overpriced beers, miserable crowds and sheer volume of vomit covering the festival grounds.
“Don’t be mad at us.” Said Serone addressing the people who were upset they didn’t get a ticket. “We should be looked at as saviors! No sunburn, no hangover, no fight with your girlfriend and most importantly saved you the disappointment of seeing your favorite band from three football fields away!” Screamed Serone now visibly upset. “All the tickets are sold to rich teens from the suburbs that in turn buy fake drugs from all of the drug dealers inside! We are the last true stimulators of this economy!” Cried Serone now crumpled on the floor.

In a crazy world, one thing you can always count on is not getting tickets to Lollapalooza.