Hammond, IN-There was an uproar at an unofficial Buffalo Wild Wings franchise, which turned out was just a tube TV, a case of keyboard duster and several live chickens under a pier in Hammond Indiana, on Sunday morning. As a group of inbred shit bags prepared to watch football, huff duster, skid out their undies and perhaps slaughter a few chickens, they quickly mistook an Arby’s commercial for the National Anthem and promptly removed any soiled burlap sacks resting on their heads. But one lowlife goddamn coward decided to kneel.
Doing duster and threatening a malnourished chicken in the same language those aliens used in Avatar during the anthem is acceptable, kneeling is strictly forbidden. Protesting correctly is no protesting at all. It means giving up. Succumbing. Settling. Protesting is eating a case of Slim Jims at halftime and pissing your pants because going to the bathroom is simply too much effort.
Fortunately the crisis was averted, because there was, in fact, no protest of the atrocities occurring in the country. As it was explained later, the man was kneeling in order to see up the skirt of a woman which turned out to be a mud sculpture of Steve Harvey. Thank god. Nothing to see here, just sexually harassing an inanimate object. Now who wants to continue to ignore social injustices and watch some FUCKING football you brain dead shit heads!?
The NL Central division leaders just got a whole lot more frisky. The Chicago Cubs have recruited and landed a completely unstoppable force. An unhittable demon with absolutely no regard for human feelings or safety. Something so heartless that it once threw behind a bride on her wedding night. And the best part is it’s fueled exclusively by grape bombs and Red Bull Vodkas. The fast pitch machine at Sluggers Bar & Grill was traded to the Cubs outright for Clark the Bear, who will be forced to throw 5 nights a week at the Wrigleyville bar.
“We’re pretty happy with the deal, the versatility with the machine is perplexing,” said Cubs manager Joe Maddon, refilling the machine with its preferred fuel of specialty shots. “I’ve seen Bryant not even be able to get the bat off his shoulder. It’ll launch a 100 mph fast ball at your head, follow it up with a 50 mph change up low and outside, then leave you frozen with a snap dragon curve. Unpredictable in the most terrifying way,” continued Maddon in complete awe of the mechanical perfection, still confused by how the owners of Sluggers Bar & Grill rigged it to run on alcohol.
Many have wondered how such a liability could have ever existed in a bar in which all customers are completely incapacitated. Though the fact that there hasn’t been more horrific accidents reported is a true testament to the surgical precision contained in this machine. The pitching machine will take the bump next Tuesday under the name The Official Captain Morgan Pitching Machine sponsored by Captain Morgan spiced rum, always smooth, always delicious, Captain Morgan.
Clark the Bear will also be depressingly throwing for several straight hours at Sluggers.
A free t-shirt given away at a Cubs game last night stayed consistent with every free t-shirt ever made, fitting only those of us lucky enough to be 4 feet tall and approximately 800 pounds. Like most free t-shirt giveaways, the promoters ordered exclusively XXL’s and stayed consistent with popular free t-shirt styles. A large part of that style is having the XX applied to width rather than length, stopping just above the belly button on normal sized humans while also ballooning out 2 feet in every direction.
The shirt was made with the extremely popular burlap/steel wool blend that is guaranteed to wreak havoc on nipples until it has been washed no less than 5,000 times or given up on and turned into a dish rags. Oddly enough even the most even keeled, mild-mannered person can turn into a raving lunatic while seeking possession of an unwearable garment.
Most people left the night either ready to bury the prized gift deep within the confines of their closet or with completely raw nipples. One man however couldn’t have been happier; Derek Sutton from Shipshewana Indiana is 3’11 and 800 pounds.
“All of the shirts I own are from giveaways; I refer to them affectionately as little-big-guy shirts.” Said Sutton looking incredibly comfortable in the free shirt. “Because I fill the shirt in its entirety, I experience less chaffing than regular people, if you’re anywhere north of four feet tall and south of 800 pounds, you’ll be out of luck” continued Sutton.
The rest of us will continue not being able to wear XXL promotional shirts.
Top 10 List of things that induce more teeth-grinding than a Jay Cutler goaline interception:
10.) Realizing that Jim Trestman holds an eerie resemblance to the doll that rides the tricycle in the Saw movies
9.) Remembering that we drafted Gabe Carimi, Todd Sauerbrun and Cade McNown…fail, failure, failurest
8.) Sitting at your computer unable to function after a Sunday blowout celebrating a Bears win or mourning a Bears loss
7.) Getting left to pee in a spicy Italian beef fart cloud either at Soldier Field or local bar where you’re watching the game
6.) Screaming business jargon into a cell phone shaped flask and promptly getting it confiscated by usually aloof Soldier Field security leaving you at the mercy of $9 Miller Lites (or getting any flask confiscated)
5.) Owning Bears players on your fantasy team and being a real life fan. A Bears loss AND a fantasy loss are when combined capable of ruining at least a week of your life
4.) Watching known has-been Mike Miller give a smirk to the camera after draining an incredibly rare three on the Bulls in the playoffs
3.) Looking into the windows at an Xport Fitness and seeing people focus more on one region of their left bicep than a pivotal NFC north matchup
2.) Coming home from a Bears loss and sitting on anything wet on the CTA Redline (see: Flaming Hot Cheeto, Chicken Bone, Sars Mask)
1.) Staring down at the brat your almost done with at Soldier Field and realizing in the last bite the whole thing has been pink as a Lisa Frank pencil