Hammond, IN-A Tinder user leveraging a shirtless picture of himself wearing a tilted cowboy hat and casually tugging on one side of his jeans to reveal a waxed upper groin, has finally given up. After a 900 day dry-spell in which he received no matches, he’s decided to utilize the glamour shot he paid for on another platform in an effort to increase his return on investment.
“It’s a huge part of my personality, I wanted to let women know that I’m a guy who lasered off his pubes, enjoys the movie Varsity Blues, and does P90X once a week,” said Ryan Price coolly sipping a Michelob Ultra at a bar that will once again provide fruitless in his quest to end a truly excruciating drought.
“I know some company is going to see my picture and think…this is a guy who has a slightly below average body, an even lower IQ and would absolutely KILL IT on a Bluetooth,” continued Price as he fantasized about a new office of women who want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Price hypothesizes that the picture may have been a little too business forward to be successful on a trivial app like Tinder. Looking back on the glamour shots he said he regrets not taking one in which he was fully nude and holding the cowboy hat over a barely visible micro-penis.
Since posting the picture Price has already been endorsed for: relentlessly quoting comedies from the early 2000’s, wearing suit coats with jeans, correcting people, vaping and supporting Trump.
Wabash, Indiana-Nothing seemed amiss last Wednesday when a man came into the office wearing a straw fedora, paisley sport coat, high water selvedge denim jeans and wing tip shoes with no show socks. His former standard outfit comprised of a pair of soiled khaki pants, a thinning, slightly undersized Mossimo collared shirt and a pair of skin-toned Skechers. But the stylist at Trunk Club made a seamless transition to the desperately sought after “Asshole 8-year-old uncomfortably jammed into a hand me down suit for Easter Sunday” look. Totally natural. A perfect representation of personality. Not unnatural or forced in the least.
“Before Trunk Club, it didn’t look like I was trying at all, so it feels really good now to look like I’m trying way too hard,” said Phillip Biggins picking an excruciating wedgie from the ruthless selvedge tearing into his ring piece. The stylist assured him the break in period for the jeans would only be 5-6 years and totally worth it.
“Stylistically I wasn’t sure who I was…but Trunk Club made me realize that at my core, I’m really just a middle-aged man, channeling a twenty two year old stylist, channeling their perception of a person in their mid-30s who may or may not be stylish…It feels great to finally have an identity” continued Biggins, voice muffled under the Pashmina scarf his stylist advised him to wear in the middle of June.
Though the stylist insists that a $200 floral pocket square is the key to any successful Tinder date, Biggins sorrowful dry spell wages on, predictably impervious to the thousands spent on luxury clothing.