Hammond, IN-A Tinder user leveraging a shirtless picture of himself wearing a tilted cowboy hat and casually tugging on one side of his jeans to reveal a waxed upper groin, has finally given up. After a 900 day dry-spell in which he received no matches, he’s decided to utilize the glamour shot he paid for on another platform in an effort to increase his return on investment.
“It’s a huge part of my personality, I wanted to let women know that I’m a guy who lasered off his pubes, enjoys the movie Varsity Blues, and does P90X once a week,” said Ryan Price coolly sipping a Michelob Ultra at a bar that will once again provide fruitless in his quest to end a truly excruciating drought.
“I know some company is going to see my picture and think…this is a guy who has a slightly below average body, an even lower IQ and would absolutely KILL IT on a Bluetooth,” continued Price as he fantasized about a new office of women who want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Price hypothesizes that the picture may have been a little too business forward to be successful on a trivial app like Tinder. Looking back on the glamour shots he said he regrets not taking one in which he was fully nude and holding the cowboy hat over a barely visible micro-penis.
Since posting the picture Price has already been endorsed for: relentlessly quoting comedies from the early 2000’s, wearing suit coats with jeans, correcting people, vaping and supporting Trump.