Beige Log opens up next to River North Pink Taco

Chicago, IL-The founders of the Pink Taco have done it again. Created a restaurant concept based exclusively off of a nickname for genitalia given by a guy who once gave Dane Cook a high five at a Fuddruckers in rural Illinois. Beige Log is set to open next month and will be located adjacent to Pink Taco, giving this city the food based sexual innuendo it needed to legitimize itself in the restaurant world.

Much like Pink Taco, Beige Log will serve up unmemorable food to the hordes of Chicago residents with no discernible personality, interests, or ability to recognize themselves as fucking losers.

The restaurant will be khaki forward, in the sense that everything served there must be of taupe origin and must be brutally minced into a grotesque log by the executive chef which happens to be a Bobby Flay sex doll. The first sex doll executive chef in history. We have progress people!

The flesh colored logs come in all sizes, each as boring and tasteless as the person consuming it. Slather up your whistle with a few $9 Michelob Ultras before making a boomerang of yourself suffering down the restaurant’s signature dish “The Dog Log.” And be sure to ask for extra knee caps!

This restaurant proves that no gender should be left out in choosing a horrific restaurant name, though it will still likely have a racially charged dress code. Because if you’re not wearing a pair of crotchless Lululemons, you certainly don’t have the social status to eat at the truly divine Beige Log.

Sutter Home/TV Dinner pairings

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Premium Entrees Chicken Kiev w/ Sutter Home Bubbly Pink Moscato

They say that any GNO (girls night out) starts with a hint of sass, a dash of bubbly and a whole lot of stuffed, highly questionable chicken meat. Pop into your LBD with a few besties and pop on the microwave as you bring this beautiful, 90’s wedding dinner back from the dead.

The smoldering hot garlic lava will set your taste buds ablaze and make your lips swell into the perfect sultry pout. The only way to extinguish the flame? Daintily guzzling this saccharine elixir directly from the bottle. With notes of Lucky Charms marshmallows and synthetic mango flavoring, Sutter Home Bubbly Pink Moscato is the perfect, flirty beverage for dislodging pieces of inexplicable chicken cartilage and creating a completely forgettable night between you and a few flimsy friends. Now, who’s ready to go out and have a “me” night?

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Banquet Salisbury steak w/ Sutter Home Sangria

I bet you didn’t expect this did you? Well sometimes the most unlikely of partners can birth something beautiful. Like this fusion of full-bodied, Spanish style reds and high school cafeteria food.  Your taste buds will climax as they are bombarded with completely opposite flavor profiles. First the gravelly meat stick exfoliates your tongue causing it to be tender to the touch. Then the Sangria massages into the open wounds for a completely dizzying finish.

Did I mention the corn niblets? As wrinkly and beige as your fingertips after sitting in a Jacuzzi for ten hours…no need to chew, just let the Sangria do what it does best and wash them into their new temporary home. Relive the glory days with a couple of old high school pals and throw this slab of Salisbury around as though you were right back under those Friday night lights. That was a damn good year wasn’t it? So celebrate it with class, dignity and on a budget with a gristle nugget and some Sangria.

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Swanson Beans and Franks w/ Sutter Home Merlot

Are those the hickory smoke signals coming from a freshly stoked fire or is it Swanson Beans and Franks gurgling to life in a dingy apartment? Your guess is as good as mine. The franks are made with the highest quality filler, containing only organic and handpicked lips and buttholes…and you’ll be chasing those watery beans around your plate all…night…long. Create your own special little camping get away in the confines of your chicken shit apartment and be sure to load up a nice empty bottle of Mountain Dew Code Red with Sutter Home Merlot.

This deep red will ease the franks, beans and dehydrated chocolate cake down your gullet like an old man easing his way into a warm bath. The stain it leaves on your teeth is perfect for absolutely any occasion that involves complete solitude…making your teeth all but disappear into your gums. Winetooth. And by drinking the whole bottle, you’re guaranteed to pee the sleeping bag…just like old times. So drink up…eat your beans and gaze into the night sky as you await another insufferable hangover.

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Hungry Man XXL Roasted Carved Turkey w/ Sutter Home Red Blend

The biggest problem with Thanksgiving is that it’s not every single day of the year. That can all change with Hungry Man XXL and Sutter Home Red Blend. Hungry Max XXL uses every piece of gigantic turkeys whose blood is over 95% HGH and steroids. This meat is angry. The packaging for the meal is made from the hulking gizzard. If you look closely at the polished glisten on the carved turkey wedges, you can see your reflection in the HGH sweat. Now imagine a nice earthy blend oozing down your slackened mouth all over your chin. Sounds like a little slice of heaven to me.

Keep your top button undone year round. Fall into deep all-consuming and involuntarily slumbers. Celebrate Thanksgiving every day…why it’ll be our little secret.