Bobbing for Redd’s Apple Ale

Have you ever wanted to have a barbeque but didn’t want to deal with the hassle spending invaluable time with loved ones during your dwindling time in this world? D-D-D-Dying alone. Redd’s Apple Ale has your bitch ass covered! For a small fee, several total strangers will come to your barbeque dressed in Redd’s Apple Ale polos and create enough Instagram content for years to come.

Why talk to people when you could be competing in activities! Pants shitting. Instagram likes. Viral content. Not your grandfather’s influencer. Influence uninterested acquaintances!

You won’t be able to hear or see shit when your head is plunged into cooler full of ice cold water with several loose bottles of Redd’s Apple Ale floating about. Concussion like symptoms. And don’t even try and come up for air until you’ve wrangled one of those floating bottles in your mouth! The Redd’s Apple Ale employees won’t let you! Oops you’re drowning.

Chipped tooth anyone? It doesn’t matter because you’re shit canned on a drink that makes Zima look like Bacardi 151! Get laid, but not really because you’re a loser!Boomerang yourself swallowing a whole bottle and win a koozie! Cough up a combination of water and blood and get all the chicks!

Say goodbye to boring barbeques where friends and family spend time thoroughly enjoying each other’s company and say hello to Redd’s Apple Ale Extreme Meat Burn!

Family pictures deleted to make room for 4th of July Fireworks Recording

Navy Pier, Chicago- A woman who was visiting the city from Naperville on a girl’s night out, which she had been painstakingly planning for months, faced a critical decision Monday night. Looking unforgivably suburban, her and her group clumsily maneuvered the hidden gems only known by locals. Starting and Bubba Gump Shrimp and graduating to the lesser known Harry Carry’s Tavern, she realized that with the brutal onslaught of duck faced selfies and mediocre food was filling up her phone. There wouldn’t be enough room to record the night’s fireworks show in its entirety.

The night would be an inarguable failure without that coveted video. Taking pictures and videos was after all the sole purpose of coming to the city.  Her ability to prove that she was a fun loving city girl to all of her coworkers would be stifled. “I needed that video, my Instagram looked super artistic, plus that Merica’ bit from 2009 is still a classic! #merica,” said Tammy Garrett, picking out a frosted shot glass with the word Chicago on it from a souvenir kiosk.

“The extra memory had to come from somewhere, so I purged a bunch of pictures of me with my grandma who recently passed, along with a few videos of my daughter’s first steps,” continued Garrett excitedly recording the fireworks that were the exact same as ten years prior and the ten years prior to that. Her inability to back up her phone means the pictures and videos deleted are lost forever, though fortunately she does now have a recording of indistinguishable fireworks to reminisce on.