Hollywood, California-The mundanity plaguing most people’s existence has caused a trend in escapism with speculation about things that are slightly less dull than a third trip to Kohl’s in as many days. The possible pregnancy of our selfie messiah and reality television martyr, Kim Kardashian, has become a fixation for people with absolutely nothing else going on. But these same people may have to return to suffocating boredom after Kim posted a heavily filtered picture of a football sized turd.
That’s right, a mysterious picture of what appears to be a sizeable albeit unhealthy bowel movement was posted on Kim’s Instagram account along with the caption: Birthed (kiss face emoji, baby emoji, lipstick emoji). The apparent cause of the adorable, now disturbing, alleged baby bump she had been sporting weeks prior.
“Before I launch a new makeup line, I sample everything, which means I have to eat a LOT of makeup…it wreaks havoc on my insides, but people need their pouty lips and contouring!” said Kardashian looking at the multicolored, steaming loaf in front of her.
With the rumor now being dispelled by the birthing of a cement snake, society can now passively like the picture with 50,000 other brainless hacks and go back to mainlining Mountain Dew Code Red.
The Kardashian’s contouring techniques have consistently taken the world by storm. Having your face look like a tiny nubile duck receding into the dark or a spray tanned pool ball melting under a heat lamp at Johnny Garlic’s are highly sought after skin adaptations. A method that combined with a selfie-stick and a flower crown Snapchat filter will make you look like the two dimensional airbrushed mall shirt you’ve always wanted to be. Though much like humanity as a whole, contouring is in a constant and necessary state of evolution. And a new contouring technique invented by Kim K could render the contouring you’ve always known as obsolete.
The new method is vintage, contrarian Kim, zigging while others zag. Smooth skin that appears sculpted from the finest of hardened Vaseline is so last year. Ground beef is all the rage in deep fashion circles this year, and thus Whopptouring is born. Whopptouring is an ingenious way to apply makeup and give your face the illusion of looking like Burger King’s signature burger. From the grey, flaking skin tags of imitation beef hanging on for dear life to the uncanny replica grill marks, your face will appear as though it was the bastard creation of a disgruntled high school student, who is trying to scrape together enough change for a depressing trip to 6 Flags Great America.
The graveled texture with pooling grease pockets will give your face that “neglected asphalt after a summer rain in Hammond Indiana” look that you’ve always been seeking. This being perfectly offset by the pitched black skid marks to give you that replica “straight off the grill” swagger. So transcendentally high fashion that it makes people physically ill to look at. Genius.
So, watch as Whopptouring becomes the hot new trend for winter and latches onto the world like a parasite dropping an enormous, stinking egg sack into on a fresh host.