NFL 2017 Week 1 Love/Hate Haikus

QB Love

Ben Roethlisberger at Cleveland
Jean cargos, skechers
Saturday’s are made for Kohl’s
Sundays for winning

Russell Wilson at Green Bay
An all knowing god
Unmoved by the plight of man
Only lives Sundays

QB Hate

Eli Manning at Dallas
Damn good employee
At Papa John’s in Rockford
Middle management

Tyrod Taylor vs. New York
Crushing solitude
Can devour any hope
Decay any light

RB Love

Todd Gurley vs. Indianapolis
Welcome to Indy
Beacon of obesity
A cultureless void

Jordan Howard vs. Atlanta
A dimly lit star
Wading through oceans of plain
To a dismal pit

RB Hate

Jay Ajayi vs. Tampa Bay
Pregame with Pitbull
Grape bombs at a Senor Frogs
Hangover, dale

Mike Gillislee vs. Kansas City
Horseshoe casino
Roulette wheel cruelly spins
Revealing losers

WR Love

Devante Parker vs. Tampa Bay
Carton of Camels
For a chain smoking diva
Light up, breathe deep, fly

Alshon Jeffery at Washington
I will raise you up
On Eagles wings, through the sky
The lamb of cheese steaks

WR Hate

T.Y. Hilton vs. Los Angeles
Lady luck has died
Scott Tolzien is everything
Abandon your dreams

Doug Baldwin at Green Bay
Bio Dome returns
Starring a brand new Baldwin
Rip van Tinklefest

TE Love

Jimmy Graham at Green Bay
An aging beast crawls
Toward glory one final time
Before vanishing

Hunter Henry at Denver
Bah Gawd! Who’s music?
That’s Double H! With a chair!
The humanity!

TE Hate

Eric Ebron vs. Arizona
Owned by everyone
Once a season and then cut
Then signed, then released

Kyle Rudolph vs. New Orleans
Hobbits cannot see
Reindeer, no he cherishes
Insipid handoffs

Defense Love

Los Angeles vs. Indianapolis
The glue factory
Where horses turn to Elmer’s
Huffed by famous folks

Defense Hate

Minnesota vs. New Orleans
The Viking sex cruise
Docked at She She’s, New Orleans
Unable to move


Fantasy Football Love/Hate Haikus Week 1


RGIII vs. Eagles
A crying baby
Finally gets a bottle
Full of warm cheese steak


Matthew Stafford vs. Colts
Indy Bar Louie
Worse than Detroit Bar Louie
Players eat for free


Jameis Winston vs. Falcons
Snow crab or king crab?
Or withering bird of flight?
Raw wing in hot butter



Any Dalton vs. Jets
Something that burned
Is now smoldering embers
Red rocket turns beige


Jay Cutler vs. Texans
A Virginia Slim
Can’t bear the weight of a steer
Cancer stick gets gored


Matt Ryan vs. Buccaneers
Lukewarm Smirnoff Ice
On the tile, of a bathroom
Which is soaked in piss


Running Backs

Eddie Lacy vs. Jaguars
Krispy Kreme is closed
An abandoned Pizza Hut
Crust is stuffed with Kale


Arian Foster vs. Seahawks
Corpse recovery
A new war of attrition
Waged against a game


Rashad Jennings vs. Cowboys
Wrinkled hands pull rope
To fly the sail, for three games
Before injury


Jeremy Langford vs. Texans
A thread bare sweater
The frail web of a spider
Bears offensive line


Jeremy Hill vs. Jets
That moment in time
A realization of dull
Straight to DVD


Carlos Hyde vs. Rams
Tech bubbles will burst
Gourmet roast, artisan cheese
Fuels contentment


Wide Receiver

Randall Cobb vs. Jaguars
King Cobb King Cobra
Malt liquor breaches the plane
Soaking painted turf


Marvin Jones vs. Colts
An extinct robot
Sparks a love between a boy
And his brand new toy


Doug Baldwin vs. Dolphins
Tubthumping, Butterfly, Bitch
Liquid Dream, Macarena
Once thought to be good


TY Hilton vs. Lions
Sad Beanie Babies
Cast aside and forgotten
Dumped for iPads


Tight End

Colby Fleener vs. Raiders
What if Frankenstein
Had long hair? Went to Stanford?
Would he be human?


Dwayne Allen vs. Lions
Who the hell is Dwayne?
Oh, you mean that Dwayne? He’s cool
That Dwayne is dat boi


Jason Witten vs. Giants
Cast as an extra
In the movie Last Vegas
Best friends with Freeman


Greg Olsen vs. Broncos
Edibles in Denver
Sativa makes legs tired
My face is melting