Call Me by Your Name 2 cast announced: Simon Cowell, Amy Schumer, Kevin Hart and Lil Tay, with a soundtrack by Imagine Dragons and Susan Boyle

Hollywood, CA-Call Me by your Name was an acceptable movie, but it left most movie goers wondering, what if the entire soundtrack was done by Imagine Dragons? And instead of a beautifully subtle, blossoming gay relationship, what if it was a grotesque love affair between a farting mermaid and an inbred ostrich farmer? And what if instead of a love affair it was more a revenge plot by a nefarious super genius looking to harvest mermaid organs and use them as a new menu promotion and select Bubba Gump Shrimp restaurants?

The answers to those questions are here in Call me By Your Name 2: This Is Still My Name.

Prepare yourself for the movie going experience of a lifetime as Kevin Hart plays a fully grown Hercules Klump from Nutty Professor 2, forced out to sea after discovering the remains of his late dad who fell victim to an unfortunate AEA accident. Grappling with loneliness, he is seduced by a drunk mermaid who rips hilariously loud farts and talks about how bad her genitalia smells.

Everything seems great…until they are hunted for organs by legendary spear fisherman Alphonso Knudson, played by Simon Cowell. Goddamn bastard. All of this while Radioactive by Imagine Dragons screams through your eardrums.

CMBYN2 is being called an Avatar prequel by a small sect of alt-right cave dwellers who believe the show Last Man Standing can predict the future. So see this goddamned movie today.

Leaked letter from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films

Below is a letter believed to be from the writer of The Wedding Ringer to Miramax Films:

To whomevverrr it may concert at Miramax Filmz,

I’m drunk. currently. And unmanagebly high. Once the parrot bay runned out. I turnt to huffing Axe body spray and eatingthe pellets out of ant traps because I thought it was my C3PO pez dispenser. I just puked. OH IT STINKS. Staringat my reflecton in this pile of vomit and animal hair I get the best idear for a blockbuster comedy film movie. Get a paunchy nerdy white asshole whodoesna have a frind in ther world. A real FUCKING loser. People WILL laugh if u cann make a character somhow moor pathetic then them. YOU MUST DIG DEEP,  see Mike and Molly and 2 broke girls for example. Not havin friends=FUNNY. Oh godddd iitss coming back up…HUGHHHHHHHHH…when the HELL  did I eat tha mad about you season 5 DVD….thatttt hurt, i hope that red stuff is dorito dust…yepppp it’s dorito dust! GODDAMNIT I JUST LIT THE Q WRONG END OF A CIGARETTE

FIND A POPULAR COMDENIAN NEXT! Preferably SHORT so you can make SHORT JOKES HAHA…comedians ooff average or less than..average height is funny…especially in my state to someone whoo findd a pile of his  own BARF enternaining.  Prefrably a different race ttoo so that theur is confusion about nerdy white people getting marrid but they al l understand and become FRIENDS IN THE END. THAT US KEY, it mustt give the illuzon of salviation

HAVE SOMEONE GET A BOIILING HOT SOUP PAN DUMPED ON THEIR LAP! Having your JUNK maimed by HOT Chickin noodlee soup gets THA LAUGHS! Lots of tacklingg, make sure ANYONE fat gets hit witha two by four…att some point someone old needs to FART haha! Call it somethin with  A PUN likeee…THE WEDDING RINGPIECE…or EVEN BETTER THE WEDDING RINGER! NE WAYZ HAVENTE WIPED MY ASS in 4 dayes shood probably try.

Sinceryeluy yours forever,
SLAMOOO SAMATAYAWXXX INSECT 69!

The-Wedding-Ringer-1

Interstellar written in drum circle at Phish Alpine Valley Show

Recent speculation that the script for Interstellar was written by Matthew Mcconaughey and Anne Hathaway during an acid fueled drum circle at a Phish show have been confirmed. The gaping plot holes, relentless endorsement of the goodness in humanity, and obsession with inception space-time continuums wreaked of the tailgate lots outside of a Alpine Valley. A place where 99% of the discussions involve conjectures such as “What if like…there was a universe…on our fingernail…and like…another universe on someone’s fingernail inside that universe….” Mcconaughey signaling Morse Code whilst wading through a visual representation of multiple time dimensions all but confirmed any lingering suspicion.

Hathaway explained that shortly after taking a sheet of blotter acid,  during a 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin, she spoke with someone she believed was Stephen Hawking. A drum circle ensued. “He seemed really smart, he explained the entire plot to Matthew and I telepathically. He was really good at playing drums.” Reports have confirmed that Stephen Hawking was no where near the venue at the time, nor has he ever attended a Phish show, or is aware of Phish’s existence. Witnesses saw Mcconaughey and Hathaway engaged in a lengthy, tear filled stare off with a tan Lincoln Navigator during the same 114 minute version of Bathtub Gin.

 

The Purge

The Purge
Rating: 3.4/5.0

The Purge is a delightfully average action/horror movie that will undoubtedly go perfectly in the FX B-movie rotation, sandwiched comfortably between Ghost Rider and Iron Man. It’s suspenseful sure… though I think the real problem is every person in the movie is completely infuriating. With no discernible hero, it was impossible and disorienting to try and pick a side.

On one hand, the people partaking the purge looked like massive tools that probably pre-gamed the night at one of those bars that connects to a mall. (see Bar Louie) When not wearing stupid animal masks and creepily skipping around during the purge they’re likely working out at Xport fitness blasting their nipples in a cut sleeves muscle t-shirt. This or trampling children and or elderly at Lollapalooza to Instagram the right toe of one of the Mumfords. I actually found the behavior at Lollap more reprehensible than what I saw here. On the other hand the combination of Ethan Hawke looking infinitely stupid and his sniveling coward son that looked like the youngest Hanson brother was enough to make my blood boil. He makes Zach Braff look like a fully cycled and completely oiled up Sly Stallone.

I also found myself regularly dozing off into varying day dreams about what I might do during the purge. I think I effectively settled on paying Vin Diesel to wheel me around in famed monster truck Gravedigger, consuming several different flavored bottles of Parrot Bay rum and telling him to do as many 360’s as possible in the allotted 12 hours. That way I could purge both spirit and body. This commission would also require that he remind me several times in the night that we are living our lives “a quarter mile at a time.” Either that or go with a more peaceful route, commission Nickelback to perform a live concert at my house, VJ’d by Eugene Levy, that way I could be 100% certain no one showed up, and if they did they would promptly leave.