Passion(fruit) of the Christ, Conceptual Juice and Kombucha Speak Easy shuts its doors

Chicago, IL-The polarizing, passion fruit forward juice and kombucha speakeasy with religious undertones has officially boarded up its windows after failing to capitalize on an indeterminable number of Chicagoans looking for something that oddly specific.

Passion(fruit) of the Christ, located in the heart of Logan Square, attempted the tried and true method of using a naming convention that involves looking at movie names, then molding an idiotic themed bar to fit that movie’s theme. See also the excruciatingly named Whiskey Business, arguably the most douche forward bar in the city.

“It wasn’t the $25 nuts and twigs shared plate with a side of Irish Catholic guilt or the $50 kombucha flight that did us in, it was the unwillingness for people in this city to accept something different, something beautiful, our interpretation of a 1300’s Roman Catholic, passion fruit juice bar,” said owner Grayson Horton, twisting his ironic mustache and taking down the massive crucifix crafted out of passion fruit rinds.

Taking its place will be a conceptual brunch and nightclub hybrid called Brunchback of Notre Dame.

Charles in Charge

Title: Charles in Charge
Artist: Lyn Charles
Album: American Tragedy
Rating: 4.7/5.0

Lace up your LA Gears, zip up your trapper keeper (with slotted gel pens) in that brand new Wolf Creek back pack, this song has that old school first day of class feel. Back when the first day of class was met with unbridled avidity. Where school was simply a venue to debut your dopest accouterment and assorted school supplies. Your biggest concern involved being the fastest kid in the class. Playing 500. Swapping Parental Advisory CDs. Getting a created player drafted in Madden 95 and beating Toejam and Earl. And debating who was better NWO or NWO Wolfpack. Incredible beat and though the lyrics are actually polar opposite you can’t help but smile when you hear this.

I’ve never seen the sitcom “Charles in Charge”, nor do I intend to. The Wikipedia page is underwhelming at best: “A 19-year-old student at the fictional Copeland College in New Brunswick, New Jersey, who worked as a live-in babysitter in exchange for room and board.”

Where are the zany schemes!? Where are the two identical twins split apart at birth only to be re-united in a nondescript department store years later!? Where is Kirk Cameron and more importantly the staple to any sitcom Alan Thicke? The introduction is lifeless. The only redeemable part is the surprisingly catchy theme song from which the sample was pulled.

I just wish more rap samples were pulled from these 90’s gems Chief Keef on a “Who’s The Boss” sample would go IN.

Nothing about the video below makes me want to have Charles in Charge: