New company will ship clothes right to your door that still won’t get you laid

Chicago, IL-A new men’s fashion company, which will undoubtedly haunt any inch of available ad space during leisurely browsing sessions, has promised men everywhere that if they sign up for their hourly, curated clothing delivery service, they will for sure get laid…by CHICKS. That’s right, anyone who signs up for a five year subscription with Secret Man Club is guaranteed to either get laid OR beat off alone during the five year span.

“Being a member of the Secret Man Club gives you all the confidence of someone who owns a timeshare in Myrtle Beach,” said owner Chaz Tipton selecting a batch of idiotic looking pocket squares to send out to clients.

The five year span of hourly deliveries equates to approximately 43,800 pieces of useless garbage that someone less fortunate suffered to create, the perfect gift for that person in your life that loves being caught in the crippling spiral of consumerism and the prescription of clothing comparable to a parent dressing an incompetent child.

“We get feedback all the time from the hordes of desperate gremlins wearing suit coats, deep V-necks, jeans, and those brilliant square toed loafers, lurking in the shadows of bars before going home alone and tugging one out into one of our bespoke tissues,” continued Tipton sipping a freshly poured Redbull and vodka.

Secret Man Club only costs $100 a day, so neglect your well-being and loved ones and sign up today.

Bravo gives reality show stars “gasoline buffet”

The popular television network Bravo has finally answered the question that’s held the entire country hostage for the better part of a decade. “How do you create a cultureless vacuum that liquefies brains and bludgeons intellects?” The answer is simple, gasoline. “It’s pretty much a whole lot of good ole fashioned unleaded, though there is a diesel option.” said a grinning Hamilton Cage, representative at Bravo.  “Before all of our shows, we provide a beautiful gasoline buffet for all of our finest stars to sniff,” he continued giddily, barely able to contain his elation.

There’s been speculation that this is the case, as the cast of Vanderpump Rules is often caught drooling while incoherently arguing about who is more hungover. Gasoline is widely known as a PED for reality show stars.

But gasoline isn’t the only thing driving the network’s success. It also takes carefully selected vapid, attention whoring, moral dregs that are more than willing to aimlessly bicker for hours on end. Any personal beliefs should be abandoned if it means an extra morsel of attention. Ideally individuals selected for their own show are as sharp as a marble, and should be only vaguely aware that other people exist on this planet. “When you get someone like that, you need to give them what they need to succeed…and what they need is gasoline. For a show to be successful it should be a mushy, reheated turd regurgitated into the eyes of the consumer.” said Cage patriotically, over a steady plopping sound in a bathroom stall on the Bravo campus.

As popularity grows so will the gasoline spread.