One Tie All Tie

Jonas Brothers and Property Brothers will fight to the death

Rosemont, IL – A bloody war between fans of celebrity brothers has been waging for the past decade, but that could all change Saturday night. Supporters of the Jonas Brothers and the Property Brothers have been responsible for brutal, execution style murders in cities across America in an attempt to determine which set of people, who rely on the word brothers as a branding mechanism, is superior to the other.

Now, the two groups of famous brothers are being forced against their will to fight to the death. Tranquilized and captured in a singular, giant burlap sack by a guy who vaguely resembles Dog the Bounty Hunter, the two sets of brothers will select their weapon of choice and wage war in the confines of iFly indoor skydiving in Rosemont Illinois. And because the Property Brothers are one brother short, they can choose Owen or Luke Wilson as their third competitor.

Sponsored by Mountain Dew Kickstart, Untuckit and Mattress Warehouse, with an appearance from the monster truck superstar Gravedigger and music by Steve Harvey’s steel drums band Goat Goiter, you won’t want to miss this one-time event. Vaping is most definitely allowed.

This country is incapable of distinguishing two sets of celebrity brothers, but an indoor skydiving knife fight should solve that. Watch until only one…brother…remains…which at that point isn’t really a brother anymore.