Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.
In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.
Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.
“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.
The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.
It’s confirmed: 0 fucks given by the middle-aged man wearing a Señor Frog’s shirt on Chicago Transit. There was initial speculation that he may be commuting to work at the Margaritaville at Navy Pier, but that theory was quickly dispelled given the age-old blood rivalry between the two vastly different interpretations of beach themed entertainment.
The retirement home vibe of Margaritaville and the “butt bong a beer to win a cotton candy goat” mantra of Señor Frog’s has fueled turf wars that have brought cities like Orlando to its knees, forcing people craving themed fun to seek refuge in Universal Studios.
The man drew initial attention from other passengers because he was wearing a Señor Frog’s shirt outside of Myrtle Beach. “Something didn’t seem right about him, he seemed too chill,” said one affected passenger “He appeared to be sipping coffee from a neon, yard long novelty glass.” Other commuters were perturbed because they ended up soaked in Coconut Parrot Bay after the man errantly sprayed at their closed mouths with a super soaker.
Given that only Señor Frogs would tolerate using a super soaker to distribute shots and wearing a pitted out shirt that says “Drink till she’s pretty,” it was assumed the slightly overweight, leather skinned man was not headed to a place of employment, but rather was on a leisurely pursuit for a bar & grill oasis on a Wednesday morning.
Though yet again nothing can be assumed about anyone wearing a Señor Frog’s, an enduring and unforgettable notion. When asked where he was going, he responded fervently “To work at Sluggers, the baseball themed bar near Wrigley field. It has effin’ batting cages, so don’t try and tell me that’s not chill. $2 censored on the beaches and half off shotskis, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere baby!” Apparently Sluggers is evolving into a beach/baseball theme, and wearing a shirt with a drunk cartoon frog is encouraged.
He sank back into his seat, sipped his coffee and road the train like it was his own personal lazy river. We should all be wearing Señor Frogs shirts.