Chicago, IL-A man of humble constitution was seen frantically weaving in and out of morning commuters as he attempted to commence his regular, shirtless morning jog on one of the busiest streets in Chicago. He definitely hadn’t been preparing his entire life for this moment. He definitely didn’t just hit L.A. Tan and certainly didn’t lightly mist his body with extra virgin olive oil for a perfect sheen.
There’s absolutely no chance he could have anticipated people accidentally gazing up at him as he pranced about while screaming the words left and right. His face contorting into an abyss of pain and anguish caused by a lifetime of eating $18 Açaí bowls and wearing only Lululemon. Decades spent perceiving himself as the messiah of leisure running.
He didn’t want any of this. He only wanted a seamless, half-naked jog on one of the most crowded streets in the city in which the pedestrians would simply stand motionless and worship his physique in silence instead of go about their normal daily routine. Inconsiderate little insects.
At least he can go to bed knowing that several people unwillingly looked at his nipples. Rest easy sweet prince, for you convinced several people you’ll never see again that you contain some moderate athletic ability.
Hammond, IN-A Tinder user leveraging a shirtless picture of himself wearing a tilted cowboy hat and casually tugging on one side of his jeans to reveal a waxed upper groin, has finally given up. After a 900 day dry-spell in which he received no matches, he’s decided to utilize the glamour shot he paid for on another platform in an effort to increase his return on investment.
“It’s a huge part of my personality, I wanted to let women know that I’m a guy who lasered off his pubes, enjoys the movie Varsity Blues, and does P90X once a week,” said Ryan Price coolly sipping a Michelob Ultra at a bar that will once again provide fruitless in his quest to end a truly excruciating drought.
“I know some company is going to see my picture and think…this is a guy who has a slightly below average body, an even lower IQ and would absolutely KILL IT on a Bluetooth,” continued Price as he fantasized about a new office of women who want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Price hypothesizes that the picture may have been a little too business forward to be successful on a trivial app like Tinder. Looking back on the glamour shots he said he regrets not taking one in which he was fully nude and holding the cowboy hat over a barely visible micro-penis.
Since posting the picture Price has already been endorsed for: relentlessly quoting comedies from the early 2000’s, wearing suit coats with jeans, correcting people, vaping and supporting Trump.