Glencoe, IL-In a desperate attempt to salvage another floundering Tinder date, one man tempted fate with a gutsy albeit savvy move. Something that according to Drone Enthusiast Quarterly, everyone woman craves. In some obscure circles it has even been considered the greatest peacock to ever exist…slyly dropping a certified drone piloting license while picking up half of the bill.
“The date wasn’t going great, I had to find an in, something universally relatable to any woman, then it hit me…recreational and semi-professional drone usage,” said Terry Adkins, scrolling through some unremarkable aerial footage from a singular vantage point in Rockford Illinois. The city appearing as all cities do when filmed directly overhead.
“It was really tasteful, very classy, I suggested splitting the bill like I always do, but as I was pulling out my cash, my drone piloting license accidentally fell on the table…looked totally natural,” continued Adkins, recounting the incident fondly.
Though the incident could have sympathetically ended there, as most dates do. Adkins insisted on a choreographed drone demonstration right outside the bar, something that would capture her heart and an aerial view of the top of her head. But before the majestic mating ritual could commence, the drone flew directly into Adkins genitals.
As he lay screaming in agony his drone ascended into the clouds above and his date stared up with a sense of longing.
Hammond, IN-A Tinder user leveraging a shirtless picture of himself wearing a tilted cowboy hat and casually tugging on one side of his jeans to reveal a waxed upper groin, has finally given up. After a 900 day dry-spell in which he received no matches, he’s decided to utilize the glamour shot he paid for on another platform in an effort to increase his return on investment.
“It’s a huge part of my personality, I wanted to let women know that I’m a guy who lasered off his pubes, enjoys the movie Varsity Blues, and does P90X once a week,” said Ryan Price coolly sipping a Michelob Ultra at a bar that will once again provide fruitless in his quest to end a truly excruciating drought.
“I know some company is going to see my picture and think…this is a guy who has a slightly below average body, an even lower IQ and would absolutely KILL IT on a Bluetooth,” continued Price as he fantasized about a new office of women who want absolutely nothing to do with him.
Price hypothesizes that the picture may have been a little too business forward to be successful on a trivial app like Tinder. Looking back on the glamour shots he said he regrets not taking one in which he was fully nude and holding the cowboy hat over a barely visible micro-penis.
Since posting the picture Price has already been endorsed for: relentlessly quoting comedies from the early 2000’s, wearing suit coats with jeans, correcting people, vaping and supporting Trump.
Hammond, Indiana-On Tuesday, in the nicest Bar Louie in town, a floundering Tinder date was rescued by an all too familiar topic of conversation. With no hobbies, interests or distinguishable personalities, the couple sat in excruciating silence and both considered internally the prospect of dying alone. The date was going as most dates go and furthermore most interactions.
Until all of the sudden, a consequential occurrence manifested in one of the Tinder participants. He recalled that, though there was absolutely nothing about his life worth discussing, that it had in fact gotten much colder as the season changed from fall to winter. It was a long shot, but the predictable changing of seasons was a timeless conversation piece for people who have nothing to say but nonetheless feel obligated to say something.
He blurted out “It is definitely winter out there huh? I’ll tell yah,” to which she mercifully responded “It is so cold, it wasn’t as cold last week, but I still think it is warmer this week than it is supposed to be next week.” The idiotic, reheated crutch had worked yet again. The mundanity of the weather provided the catalyst needed to suffer through the rest of the date. Fortunately talk about the weather can inexplicably sustain romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships and family ties for decades.
The speculation. The gloating. The bitching. General observations. Are the foundation for any healthy relationship. And when the season changes again, he’ll undoubtedly swoop in with a memorable, “Woah, it is definitely summer.”
Wabash, Indiana-Nothing seemed amiss last Wednesday when a man came into the office wearing a straw fedora, paisley sport coat, high water selvedge denim jeans and wing tip shoes with no show socks. His former standard outfit comprised of a pair of soiled khaki pants, a thinning, slightly undersized Mossimo collared shirt and a pair of skin-toned Skechers. But the stylist at Trunk Club made a seamless transition to the desperately sought after “Asshole 8-year-old uncomfortably jammed into a hand me down suit for Easter Sunday” look. Totally natural. A perfect representation of personality. Not unnatural or forced in the least.
“Before Trunk Club, it didn’t look like I was trying at all, so it feels really good now to look like I’m trying way too hard,” said Phillip Biggins picking an excruciating wedgie from the ruthless selvedge tearing into his ring piece. The stylist assured him the break in period for the jeans would only be 5-6 years and totally worth it.
“Stylistically I wasn’t sure who I was…but Trunk Club made me realize that at my core, I’m really just a middle-aged man, channeling a twenty two year old stylist, channeling their perception of a person in their mid-30s who may or may not be stylish…It feels great to finally have an identity” continued Biggins, voice muffled under the Pashmina scarf his stylist advised him to wear in the middle of June.
Though the stylist insists that a $200 floral pocket square is the key to any successful Tinder date, Biggins sorrowful dry spell wages on, predictably impervious to the thousands spent on luxury clothing.