Chicago, IL-An overdetailed work from home request that would have otherwise been promptly ignored, drew attention from several employees after noticing the graphic recounting of what had transpired to make the work from home a necessity.
“I ate a bowl of clam chowder that a homeless man offered me while I was trying to score some biker speed from a mutant ostrich under the overpass, long story short, I was puking out of my butt for twenty four straight hours, it’s all detailed in my work from home request if you reference that,” said Todd Mitchell, bringing up the calendar invite he had sent which details the happening in gruesome detail for the rest of his coworkers.
The calendar invitation was over 300 words long and contained pictures and illustrations of the toilet, which looked like a crime scene. All in an effort to validate a work from home that really needed no validation.
“I ended up describing everything in as much detail as possible, because a lot of people probably don’t really know what I mean when I say “shitting myself like the world was coming to an end”, hopefully they understand now,” continued Mitchell, comfortably watching The Price is Right for the third time.
One employee toiling in a nebulous digital role has gone through painstaking measures to ensure that the entire office is fully aware that he’s far more productive when working from home. “Look sometimes I just can’t handle the distractions of an office…like a reliable internet connection, being fully clothed, or having accountability with my boss…just too damn distracting,” said Tyler Schmatz complacently, sitting in a pair of soiled sweatpants and spaghetti stained undershirt, furiously blazing through another season of House of Cards.
Though the office is grossly indifferent to Schmatz’s existence as a whole, he finds it necessary to make this the focal point of any conversation held within the dull confines of the office. “Frankly, I’m uncertain what he does here, whatever it is though…he definitely may or may not be able to do it from home,” said one coworker. Others agreed that it seemed entirely possible he could do his job in some capacity from home. “Yeah unlike some people who work from home, I work with 100% efficiency, like I said it’s really the only place I can focus and actually get some work done,” continued Schmatz, casually washing down a Molly with four fingers of lukewarm well gin as a Batman vs. Superman torrent finishes.
As long as Tyler continues to work from home, the office will remain vaguely uninterested in his production.