One employee toiling in a nebulous digital role has gone through painstaking measures to ensure that the entire office is fully aware that he’s far more productive when working from home. “Look sometimes I just can’t handle the distractions of an office…like a reliable internet connection, being fully clothed, or having accountability with my boss…just too damn distracting,” said Tyler Schmatz complacently, sitting in a pair of soiled sweatpants and spaghetti stained undershirt, furiously blazing through another season of House of Cards.

Though the office is grossly indifferent to Schmatz’s existence as a whole, he finds it necessary to make this the focal point of any conversation held within the dull confines of the office. “Frankly, I’m uncertain what he does here, whatever it is though…he definitely may or may not be able to do it from home,” said one coworker. Others agreed that it seemed entirely possible he could do his job in some capacity from home. “Yeah unlike some people who work from home, I work with 100% efficiency, like I said it’s really the only place I can focus and actually get some work done,” continued Schmatz, casually washing down a Molly with four fingers of lukewarm well gin as a Batman vs. Superman torrent finishes.

As long as Tyler continues to work from home, the office will remain vaguely uninterested in his production.