Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
A kettlebell that had remained dormant for years has finally been stirred. Having sat stationary for well over a decade, located in a spot that at the time seemed optimal for working out, the dust riddled kettlebell was painstakingly moved to another corner of the house. Its old location now inhabited by a standing lamp. “I think after this move I’ll definitely start working out with it every day.” said Terry Roberts who had solemnly promised the exact same thing 10 years earlier.
Like most people that own kettlebells the purchase was prompted immediately after seeing the movie 300. Momentum was lost almost instantly after a singular misguided, poor formed workout yielded neither a hulking chest nor 8-pack of washboard abs. “I don’t think I’m naïve in thinking that I should have looked like I was carved out of marble after that workout…maybe next time it will.” reminisced Terry, exultantly looking at the new placement of the kettlebell.
Since it’s widely known that moving the kettlebell from place to place every 10 years qualifies as part of the 300 workout, Terry should be completely shredded without any other alterations to his lifestyle in the next 40-50 years.
A man filling a 64oz water bottle to the absolute brim, while the rest of the gym waits patiently behind him, has confirmed he could kick everyone’s ass in the gym if he really wanted to. “I could beat the shit out of everyone in this gym with a combination of rudimentary taekwondo and parkour if I really wanted to…but you know I don’t want to be a JERK or anything.” Sneered Blake McKenzie lifting his shirt slightly for a glimpse of his abs in the mirror. Blake has no formal training in either taekwondo or parkour. Standing in line is for losers, and losers clearly deserve to get their asses beat according to McKenzie, completely oblivious to the fact that he was causing the line.
The 64oz water bottle is vital in creating the perception that you’re working out way harder than anyone else, though coincidentally the time spent perpetually drinking and refilling detracts from actually working out. When McKenzie isn’t guzzling water or resting on machines, he’s idling around the gym leering at women working out.
“When I’m not refilling my giant water bottle or walking incredibly slow with my chest puffed, I’m looking at chicks BUTTS, I like BUTTS almost as I enjoy extreme hydration and ass kicking!” said McKenzie who has never been in a fight and is a virgin.
The water fountain line at the local gym is the one thing McKenzie has control over in his miserable existence.
The signs at the gym that claim to offer memberships as low as $5/month are some of the most mysterious signs in existence. They almost seem ominous, well not really almost, they are extremely ominous and often shrouded in a horrible web of deceit for that matter. Given that cancelling your membership involves several pieces of certified mail, a fight to the death with the gym manager and sacrificing your first-born child, what stipulations could possibly cause membership rates to be that severely discounted?
A former gym employee who has chosen to remain anonymous confirmed that not only is the contract a literal blood oath, but it also requires an elaborate ancient ceremony ripe with chanting, plague doctor masks, candles and pre-workout supplement fueled orgies. No wonder bench felt more slippery than usual yesterday…was that a glory hole crudely carved into a 50lb dumbbell?
If a ceremony that makes the Illuminati look like the Mickey Mouse Club wasn’t enough, some of the more alarming aspects of the fine print within the perverse and bizarre contract are outlined below.
- Must live within the confines of the gym for no less than 10 years, or until 10,000 memberships are sold. Leaving the premises or contacting anyone from the outside world, especially family, is strictly forbidden
- Member is afforded a singular locker that will function as living/sleeping quarters
- Must exist exclusively on Stacker 2 and No-Xplode, veins will become ropes and complexion will become jaundice
- Working out is forbidden until ten years has passed, at which point a 5 year probationary period starts in which you are only allowed to do leg days
- Member will have perpetual athletes foot from 10 years of questionable showering conditions
- Trimming of finger and toenails strictly forbidden
- Must use tanning beds for a minimum of 4 hours a day, and religiously use Britney Spears signature tanning oil
- Must repair all clogged toilets using a 5lb dumbbell
The slightest deviation from any rule is seen as a breach of contract and will require you to live out the remainder of your miserable existence in the gym.
After what was assumed to be a restless night, a Fitbit erased any lingering doubt as it gleefully informed its owner he had slept a mere two hours the night before. “Yeah, I wasn’t sure how much I had slept, but thanks to the Fitbit, I can really quantify how bad my day is going to be.” said the downtrodden man as he hastily prepared for work. “I’m absolutely devastated, I can’t believe it was only two hours.” he continued hollowly.
Before the Fitbit we could really only guess how much we’d slept and then convince ourselves that it had been more than it actually was. Now with an actual hour amount we can officially calculate how intolerable the next day will be. A way to measure the magnitude of the impending doom that we are completely and utterly helpless to. This remains one of the most popular functions of the Fitbit; being made fully aware that you’ll be in PowerPoint heavy meetings all day running on fumes and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it.
“Days that the Fitbit tells me I got enough sleep but I still feel tired are almost more depressing,” said the man “It’s still a truly innovative device that everyone should own however! Knowing your sleep schedule is both insightful and healthy!”
Reporting on sleep isn’t the only feature that opens up a new and exciting world of obsessive neurosis and hyper monitoring. You’ll constantly be kept in the know about how aggressively stationary you are during the day and you’ll be crucified for not drinking enough water. So instead of actually working out, strap on that Fitbit and nickel and dime your way to an arbitrary step goal!