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Purely Barred: New Drug Forward Fitness Boutique

Chicago, IL – Multi-billion dollar fitness studio conglomerates have been struggling just like the rest of us during this pandemic, forced to dig their yellowing hands deep into their sweat drenched Lululemon leggings to extract another insufferable concept from the same taint that birthed Orange Theory Fitness and Soul Cycle. 

Purely Barred is a new spin-off studio to Pure Barre in which customers are encouraged to rifle through a pile of unmarked perscription pills before class, which are then blended into a bespoke açaí bowl and spoon fed to them as they post highly filtered selfies in luxury workout gear. 

After the drugs kick in, officially certified trainers remove Apple watches from slumbering class attendees and complete a strenuous workout that will later be shared to uninterested friends and family members by the person who consumed a fistful of Xanax and shit their pants on a $200 yoga mat. 

For an extra $30 get sprayed down by a bottle of sweat collected from Jennifer Aniston’s body double in the movie Horrible Bosses 2. And don’t forget to take an exhausted look selfie in front of some idiotic neon lettering that will make you look super frail, super weird, and super hottttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.