Chicago, IL-An Uber driver with an unwilling audience trapped in the confines of his 2003 Chevy Malibu just dropped the “but” heard round the world. The passengers had been subject to several other uninteresting stories which passed with relative passivity, more or less exposing a somewhat sad life that paired perfectly with the scent of wet dog and cigarettes plaguing the soiled cloth interior of the car.
Though just as the riders settled into what they believed to be a 15 minute penance of mundanity, the Uber driver figured that because they had entered into a contract in which he drove them to a certain location in exchange for payment, it was the perfect time to unveil some deep seated racism.
“You know, I’m not a racist,” the Uber driver muttered, glancing in the rearview mirror seeking some type of conciliatory eye contact, the passengers braced themselves for the atrocity that was surely coming, the horrific amending qualifier that would cause one passenger to swallow his entire fist and the other to recite the entire script to the movie Last Vegas in ancient Hebrew.
“But,” said the cab driver before launching into a lunatic story in which race should have been completely irrelevant. The statement prior to the qualifier obviously making him exempt from any kind of judgement, as, if someone audibly states they are not racist, it gives them free reign to spew hatred at will.
The ride mercifully ended at some point or another, the driver fell asleep, like every other night, alone to the laugh track of Last Man Standing with a 5th of Vodka and a tear soaked pillow.
Chicago, O’Hare Airport-A third party survey conducted by an unemployed copy writer from the now extinct SkyMall magazine, found that Auntie Annie’s remains America’s favorite microwaved airport soft pretzel. The survey universe consisted of several people farting it up in the Southwest cattle pens, as they wrestled for pole position for a flight that wouldn’t leave for another three hours.
The sample size was vaguely paunchy and unwell, wore soiled pajama pants and ill-fitting Life is Good shirts covered in old egg from Einstein Bros., an accurate representation of the entirety of the airport.
Four of five surveyed said they preferred Auntie Annie’s over any other microwaved soft pretzel options the airport had to offer. The one outlier maintained that buying a bag of pretzels from Hudson News and filling it with water to soften the pretzels before eating and drinking the salty water, was comparable to an Auntie Annie’s pretzel at a third of the cost.
After the survey, the ex-SkyMall employee retreated to his hidden compartment under one of the Sunglass Hut display cases, where he will slumber until an airport pretzel survey is requested once more.
Hollywood, CA-A celebrity quickly fading into the oblivion is livid, after a perfectly timed and well planted swimsuit picture surfaced on a website that injects humanity with the necessary celebrity sewage required to mindlessly shuffle through life. Though the picture was barely legible, stuffed between a heaving Smart Water ad and an unidentifiable Kardashian ass, body shamers swarmed like mosquitos in a stagnant pond in Gary Indiana.
But as the bloated flies feasted on the flesh they desired, the celebrity clapped back in the most unique way! “I’m executive producing a reboot of the ABC original dramedy Dharma and Greg,” said the celebrity proudly, knowing that the remake could be a death blow to all internet trolls.
“No one said it was easy, but I’m fighting back the only way I know how, by reheating a sitcom about a free-spirited yoga instructor and a straight-laced lawyer co-existing, evolving and perhaps finding love,” continued the celebrity firing off a string of 5,000 tweets.
Other celebrities and media outlets have deemed this celebrity an inspiration to humanity and a beacon of hope for us all, noting that this scenario is completely different from the hundreds of celebrity body shamings featured in clickbait articles last week. When it comes to body shaming trolls the only real option is thawing an ABC sitcom in hopes that someone like Dharma can teach tolerance and body positivity.
Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.
“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.
Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!
And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.
The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.
“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.
Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.