Student gets into Harvard with essay documenting love of PornHub

Cambridge, Massachusetts-Over the last few months several fantastical stories have surfaced about Ivy League schools accepting students who wrote admission essays on Papa John’s, Taco Bell and one that even came in the form of a rap song. In the latest clickbait attempt to justify how quirky millennials can be while also filling social feeds with content comparable to flavorless, reheated, 60/40 ground chuck, we examine Grayson Horton-Miller who got into Harvard with a 700,000 word ode to the popular streaming site, PornHub.

“We get thousands of essays every year, but young Grayson’s essay was something to be cherished…a true work of art! A composer in a symphony of bleached assholes!” said Dean of Admission, Phillip Biggins. “The 20,000 word section on POV was superb! Not to mention the 50,000 lines of poetry on gonzo! His theories involving the origin of human evolution being sparked by cuckholding are quite profound! A millenial visionary by every definition of the word!” continued Biggins, head spinning at the porn category algorithms Grayson could someday develop.

Though the essay contains no punctuation and though it appears Grayson has only a loose grasp on how to read and write, the sheer fervor in which the essay was written has gained him admission to Harvard with a full academic scholarship. Millenials do the darndest things!

And though Grayson appears to be struggling with a crippling pornography addiction that is consuming his every thought and rendering him incapable of experiencing actual human emotion, his parents couldn’t be any prouder of their snowflake.

“Keep Calm and Chive On” shirt making guy instantly hilarious

Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.

The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.

“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.

Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.