Mall Power Rankings
10.) Hot Topic: The only place I buy fingerless gloves and Nightmare Before Christmas gear. No better way to express yourself then a gruesome Slipknot shirt held together by safety pins. Or if that’s not up your alley, look no further than the shirt with a donkey on it that says “My other ride is your mom” Those judging eyes on the train are just jealous of how edgy you are.
9.) Things Remembered: The perfect place to buy someone a first communion gift that they’ll instantly throw away. That Precious Moments statue that reads “I love you this much” with its arms stretched outward may seem timeless and heartfelt, but will be headed for the dumpster in no time. Nothing says “I’m sorry for your loss” like a personalized snow globe. Or “Congratulations on 50 years of Marriage” like a personalized envelope opener. All household objects should be branded. The only way to tell someone you care about them is by giving them items with their name it.
8.) Build-A-Bear: For a mere $55.99 you have the opportunity to buy one of the stiffest teddy bears in history. Start out by picking the material: burlap or hemp, next select the stuffing: gravel or pine cones. Then determine if you want the bear to come with or without the boogers from all of the kids that manhandled it in the store. The clothing option is where it really gets interesting, doctor on top, policeman on bottom, maybe a tuxedo top and a surfer bottom! So silly and zany, really couldn’t be more imaginative! Let your kid explore their creativity by mixing and matching pre-made professions on a bear!
7.) Bath & Body Works: Every item in the store appears to be glistening. The greased up sample bottles have been used by every grubby hand in the mall that day and smeared all over the rest of the merchandise. A Vaseline palace. Are those embroidered hand towels supposed to be sopping wet? Cleaning out pores is so last year, the new move is to clog and seal them shut with a coconut lime breeze face lotion that has the consistency of cake frosting. Also another great place to buy a gift that will almost certainly disappoint mom and Christmas morning. It not only reeks like artificially scented lotion, but also last minute desperate Christmas shopping.
6.) Lids: The employees must get paid based exclusively on how many hat accessories they can sell. Not hats, hat accessories. You know what would go great with that flat brimmed snap back? A device that perfectly bends the bill. Or throwing $20 for a quick spray that will prevent hat aging? Another $20 and give the hat a quick chew for that rugged Brett Favre Wrangler commercial look. Don’t forget to join the Lids Club, where if you buy 40 hats during the year you get 20% off your 41st!
5.) Yankee Candle: At some point during a mall outing I always find myself wanting to experience extreme dizziness and mild nausea. To satisfy, I go to Yankee Candle. Inexplicably warm and ripe with every synthetic scent known to mankind makes this the perfect location to feel really overwhelmed and involuntarily take a nap. When they get the candle that smells like smelling salts out to wake you up, you’ll almost certainly be inclined to buy your mom that 55 oz pumpkin, lilac, caramel macchiato scented tree trunk of a candle she’s always wanted.
4.) Hollister: Whenever seeking out cloths that will disintegrate after one wash this is where I always start. Tiny shirts that only reach the top of your belt, over embroidered frayed fur hoodies, Hollister has it all, not to mention a dizzying array of incredibly washed paper thin boot cut jeans. And let’s not forget about the gorgeous canvas belts with oversized belt buckles. The look of an awkward teenager from the Midwest trying to look like an awkward teenager from the west coast is timeless! Embrace the double popped collar in you.
3.) Auntie Annie’s: Nothing quite like eating a Cinnamon pretzel that tastes and feels like it’s been soaking in warm Coke for the past week. Hopefully the disgruntled high school student microwaves the oozing blob long enough that you don’t need a straw for consumption. Grab a spot on one of the sweaty, abused benches next to the people ripping ass in the sketchy massage chairs and soak it all in! The perfect way to make sure you don’t spend all day in the mall, as you’ll be doubling over in pain once this cement snake lodges in your digestive track.
2.) Gadzooks: The mecca of 90’s club gear. Going to a Bio-Dome themed party? This is the perfect place to score a button up shirt with a massive dragon embroidered on it, a mesh tank top, wallet chain, or a pair of jeans that effectively make it look like you’re floating instead of walking. (That also has a flaming 8 Ball streaking down the leg) The combination of a poly-wool blend and excessive embroidery will chaff every nook and cranny of your body. They do free nipple piercings and Gadzooks is the only store officially endorsed by the band Creed.
1.) Spencer’s Gifts: The only place in the world that you can walk out of with a cowboy hat that doubles as a beer bong, a lava lamp, a penis shaped lighter, a Scarface coffee mug, a bronze middle finger and an apron that makes it look like you’re naked. Everything in the store is inexplicably sweaty and makes a farting noise. The carpet clings desperately to your shoes. Unfortunately after going into this store any article of clothing you were wearing will likely have to be burned. Also make sure to have a good soak in a boiling Purell bath, one of the parasites living on the plasma globe could have finally found a new home. A favorite shoplifting spot for bored teens.