Los Angeles, CA-A sea of protesters enveloping the entirety of Los Angeles has officially turned violent according to sources. What was originally thought to be a protest involving either the corrupt nature of our current government administration, extensive gender inequality, institutional racism, or the systematic destruction of our plant, actually turned out to be a demonstration advocating the return of Brenden Frazer to the Mummy franchise.
In what is being called the largest protest ever recorded, nearly a third of the entire country migrated to Los Angeles to advocate the fair treatment of Brendan Fraser. According to protesters, the previously listed issues are trivial at best and generally have no impact on the human race as a whole. Whereas tainting a staple in American history like The Mummy franchise could have lasting emotional and physical effects on the country.
“Just put him back in the damn movie,” said one protester wearing a prosthetic that made his lower half appear like a scorpion. “The other stuff don’t matter, you think we have time to deal with that shit while the glorious name of The Mummy gets tarnished! I voted for Trump to prevent this shit!” he continued adjusting his Bluetooth headset.
As the protests wage on, solace can be found in America’s ability to create a united front against oppressive and imperative issues threatening to derail humanity.
Chicago, IL-The existence of a genuine friendship is most commonly rooted in years of significant life experiences, hilarity, hijinks and the unique happiness experienced in the presence of that friend. But one friendship has defied all odds and exists solely on the threat of at some point hanging out and complaining to each other via text about the infrequency of time spent together.
“We’re planned this SUPER fun girl’s night! We’re going to do a fancy dinner and then dancing all night and Instagraming the whole thing with its own unique hashtag!” said Nicole Cox already considering excuses for why they’d have to reschedule.
“I suggested the third week of June but she has improv that whole week, so she said she was free the second week of August, but I’m in Wisconsin Dells for a Dan Brown writing workshop that week, ultimately we landed on the third or fourth week of February 2025 #cantwait!” continued Cox shopping for the perfect little black dress that will never be worn.
The next 8 years will be spent meticulously crafting texts of excitement for the impending hang out and remorse that they both feel like they haven’t seen each other in forever. This will continue perpetually, reaching climax immediately before their scheduled rendezvous, in which one of them will inevitably cancel…much to the relief of the other. And the cycle will begin once again.
Fort Wayne, IN-In an effort to, once and for all, prove to aloof digital aquintances that she in fact enjoys the start of the weekend, one Fort Wayne resident posted a zoomed in picture of herself smugly drinking a beer on her couch with a timeless TGIF caption and respective hashtag.
“I love Fridays and people need to know that, to embrace that, I know that not everyone agrees but I’m putting myself out there!” Said Nicole Hall who after the picture was taken dumped the beer down the sink and entered into a 48 hour Netflix wormhole. Completely squandering said Friday and ensuing weekend. “Fridays are a big part of my personality.” she continued, seamlessly breezing over the absurdity in using a measurement of time passage as a personality trait.
Followers have found that Hall loves just about anything that even remotely resembles an opportunity to post on her favorite platform. With recent selfies celebrating flag day, reptile memorial day, jet pack day, sick day, drone surveillance appreciation day and Eugene Levy’s birthday among others.
As the onslaught of platitudes continue, followers remain vaguely uninterested by the perservance of posts and the ability to transform nearly any day into a celebratory selfie followed by obsessively analyzing likes.
Chicago, IL-In an effort to eliminate the possibility of being perceived as unfunny, one Chicago resident is resurrecting the reliable method of wearing a shirt promoting the internet equivalent of a soiled Maxim magazine: The Chive. “They took the British saying of “Keep Calm and Carry On” but replaced Calm with Chive…the name of the website,” said Phillip Biggins, cracking into Corona Light while enjoying a fresh episode of the Big Bang Theory.
The cleverness of the shirt is rivaled only by the allure of being someone that enjoys content, but not enough to actually read anything, appreciative of tired puns, and is a connoisseur of cleavage shots and thong pics.
“Anyone sees me out in this thing they know I’m all about staring at content! Hilarious! Who wants to hear some Wedding Crashers quotes? Anyone see the new GIF of that guy tranquilizing himself and cramming his junk into a microwaved watermelon full of Cabo Wabo? I’ll bring it up now!” continued Biggins whose personality consists of romantic comedy movie quotes and horrifying viral videos.
Biggins remains firmly single, romantically or otherwise, his elevated comedic sense has afforded him that much. And though he has no discernible individuality, at least the world knows he shares the same proclivities of hundreds of thousands of like-minded goons.
Winnetka, IL-Last Thursday a group of potential prom attendees made a decision that would undoubtedly cement the evening as the greatest thing they’ll do in their entire life. Unrivaled by any other achievement or significant life event, with a happiness that will never be experienced again, prom night 2017 will exist in infamy for an eternity.
“Me and my buddies weren’t even gonna go…then we said…what if we rolled stag? Automatically tight…Then I had this insane idea…what if we got our parents to rent a stretch Hummer for us…and what if we also had them buy us pastel tuxedos with top hats and canes…and what if we were all wearing athletic shades….” Said Terry Mitchell, visibly coveting the apparent novelty of the idea.
It’s not every night that you get to spend with several hundred other faceless dregs that you’ll never see again, so the key is creating enough resentment and embarrassment to transcend being mercifully forgotten about.
“We’ll be gods. Climbing out of that stretch limo four dudes deep, blasting Chainsmokers, maybe even sword fight with the canes! We’re all for sure getting laid multiple times.” Continued Mitchell, knowing damn well him and his friends would be retreating to an evening of PornHub solitude.
Three of the friends never made it into the dance, drinking to incapacity, severely pissing themselves and face-planting on the concrete in front of Principal Loesch…LEGENDARY. Mitchell made it into the dance but inexplicably trapped himself under the bleachers whilst attempting to retrieve a popcorn kernel, which he maintains was as historic as any lake house after party.
A couple eager to decorate their apartment with some homemade art were sorely disappointed after discovering the two paintings from their Wine & Paint class were not only identical, but also complete abominations. “I guess in hindsight we should have anticipated them being identical, but there was no way to foresee the gross over-estimation in our creative ability.” Said 29 year-old Robert Mansfield staring glumly at the atrocity in front of him. His wife’s was equally disgraceful, an embarrassing mess of excessive acrylics.
The night before they had deemed them their life’s work.
“We honestly thought they were pretty good…who wouldn’t want a painting of a ship and a full moon with the saying Swim to your Dreams under it…it seemed incredibly original to us, something to really make our apartment stand out.” Continued Mansfield with his head planted firmly in his hands. Him and his wife oblivious to the fact that there have been several hundred other versions of this painting made from the class in varying degrees of crappiness.
It took several weeks but the honeymoon phase with the paintings they had convinced themselves were somehow good finally ended one fateful Wednesday night. Rob described walking by the two paintings and having a moment of clarity that snapped him from his previous delusional state. “They’re really bad, I was drunk off red wine again for the first time since that night and finally noticed the ugliness; my stomach hurts looking at them.” Said Mansfield crudely jamming the paintings into the dumpster.
Not everyone snaps out of the delusion like Rob, hundreds of basic paintings hang around houses as we speak, so be weird and for the love of God don’t do wine and paint.
Chicago, IL-Any given 30th birthday begins the process of easing into consuming laziness and ordinariness. As you wade through the tepid waters of middle-aged adulthood and the pee filled lazy river sweeps you from your ergonomically correct desk chair, friends and family alike gather to celebrate the occasion.
Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights were no different for Phillip Biggins, a Naperville native, who spent most of his childhood fantasizing about a lavish 30th birthday in Chicago. A statement milestone that people would discuss for the next decade. 30 years of disappointment culminated in three nights of forced fun.
“When I saw my favorite band ever, Hairbangers Ball, was doing three nights at Joe’s on Weed…one of the classiest country western themed bars this city has to offer, I knew my fate was sealed,” said Biggins, fondly reminiscing on the glorious buckets of overpriced domestic beers, remaining oblivious to the fact that Hairbangers Ball is a cover band and that Joe’s on Weed is slightly more depressing than any given Bar Louie in Northern Indiana.
The weeks leading up to the event were ripe with a quiet suffering from friends and family, an unsurmountable reluctance to ruin a precious weekend. A consuming dread, knowing the amount of booze needed to make the event tolerable would shave years off their lives. A war of attrition would be waged after paying a $10 cover at a stupid country western bar.
“It was incredible! The best was when I threw up all over myself and sprinted on the stage fully nude! I’m banned for life with several felony charges pending but that’s 30 right?!” continued Biggins visibly realizing that it may have been the worst three day stretch of any attendee’s life.
Xsport, Wilmette, IL-The conversation was disappointingly audible throughout the packed gym. It had occurred with an uncanny regularity for years, though not for some time now. A relic assumed to have been humanely flushed with the protein residue caking the underside of every neglected bathroom stall at every Xsport ever. But like most things at Xsport, it birthed back through the sewage, the electric raspberry muscle milk, the tanning oil that drips like tree sap on every machine.
“When you’re at the gym there are only two appropriate things to talk about: 1.) Endowment girth 2.) The workout all those jacked ass, oiled up ass dudes did in the movie 300,” Said Terry Morgan, lifelong member at Xsport Fitness, and avid supplement user.
“When I throw on my neon Tapout sleeveless, nipples blasting out the sides, and start furiously scribbling in that tiny notebook that all dudes at the gym carry around…ain’t nobody in the world that doesn’t want to talk to me about early 2000’s Gerard Butler,” continued Morgan applying a full stick of butter to his sagging bicep.
Morgan claimed to have dabbled in a variation of the 300 workout that involved cannon-balling a gallon of NOXPLODE and doing a max deadlift 300 times. He notched two reps before blowing out 5 vertebrae but ensured that he’s more jacked than he’s ever been. He’ll continue to promote the imaginary workout to uninterested Xsport members.
In an effort to capture the current climate of humanity, Sandals Resort has opened an all-inclusive resort located in the floating mass of assorted trash just off the coast of California. Resort guests can look forward to the same cultureless void that Sandals traditionally offers in other countries, but this time they’ll be on an island of garbage in which the only culture is a singular budget friendly couple’s resort. Instead of walking on white sand in a pair of linen pants guests will get to feel a mixture of steaming hot sewage crawl through their toes as it breaches their economy hazmat suit.
Wading around in human filth in a shoddy hazmat suit while you struggle for consciousness is just one of the many activities at the new Sandals location. Guests will also be treated to the resident Jimmy Buffet Caribbean cover band “Breeze’n,” a group of ex-convicts that have been living against their will on the island and have learned to play the song Margaritaville using seagull carcasses and DVD cases. Don’t forget to tip!
And let’s not forget about the crowning achievement…the group snorkeling trip. The trip is led by Thomas Jane, the guy who seemed pretty good at snorkeling in Deep Blue Sea and still holds a massive vendetta against all underwater life. Guests will explore the sprawling rat ecosystem that has arisen underneath the trash vortex. Swim amongst thousands of enchanting nests and schools of swimming rats who have inexplicably developed gills and human intelligence. And of course, witnessing Thomas Jane slaughter hordes of rats in the most violent ways imaginable.
Close out the day by laying in the smoldering sun and guzzling discarded Boones Farm swill out of a mop bucket. All at a fraction of the cost of other resorts! So why wait…put that spark back in your relationship today…with a species of evolved rats in a garbage patch on the sun!
Hammond, Indiana-On Tuesday, in the nicest Bar Louie in town, a floundering Tinder date was rescued by an all too familiar topic of conversation. With no hobbies, interests or distinguishable personalities, the couple sat in excruciating silence and both considered internally the prospect of dying alone. The date was going as most dates go and furthermore most interactions.
Until all of the sudden, a consequential occurrence manifested in one of the Tinder participants. He recalled that, though there was absolutely nothing about his life worth discussing, that it had in fact gotten much colder as the season changed from fall to winter. It was a long shot, but the predictable changing of seasons was a timeless conversation piece for people who have nothing to say but nonetheless feel obligated to say something.
He blurted out “It is definitely winter out there huh? I’ll tell yah,” to which she mercifully responded “It is so cold, it wasn’t as cold last week, but I still think it is warmer this week than it is supposed to be next week.” The idiotic, reheated crutch had worked yet again. The mundanity of the weather provided the catalyst needed to suffer through the rest of the date. Fortunately talk about the weather can inexplicably sustain romantic relationships, friendships, work relationships and family ties for decades.
The speculation. The gloating. The bitching. General observations. Are the foundation for any healthy relationship. And when the season changes again, he’ll undoubtedly swoop in with a memorable, “Woah, it is definitely summer.”