Area man who arrives to party with 6-pack of Heineken announces “I come bearing gifts”

Chicago, IL-A forgettable party guest who may or may not have been the bastard brother-in-law of a glue sniffer who probably wasn’t invited to the party in the first place, made it clear that he was going to be a social burden the rest of the night by announcing, I come bearing gifts, while hoisting a 6-pack of Heineken that he would undoubtedly hoard the rest of the night.

The other guests navigated around him with a weariness generally reserved for Gristle & Goyder night at Ponderosa steakhouses in Northern Indiana. Each one knowing that at some point they would ultimately succumb to the infected flesh wrapped in garments from Trunk Club.

Now the only determination was for how long and by what excruciating conversation topic would they be forced to spill their melted brains on the cat hair infested floor. Thinly veiled racism? Recent sexual conquests? Professional goals? All Bird shoes? Ashton Kutcher’s time on Two and a Half Men? Early onset erectile dysfunction? Crying themselves to sleep on a nightly basis? Everything. Nothing.

Fortunately wasting away in an inescapable conversation with someone you’ll never talk to again is time well spent when that person is drinking a 6-pack of mediocre beer. Enjoy a Heineken today.

Childhood discovered to be a pile of dog shit after failed TBT post

Hammond, Indiana-In an effort to halt a social media free fall, full of excruciatingly mundane life updates and benign observations void of any personality, an Indiana man has resorted to desperate measures. “People generally like when I post hot takes on current affairs like “Trump is a shapeshifting reptile, like if you agree!” or “I’m house Hufflepuff in the Harry Potter quiz, what house are you!?” but I haven’t been getting the social media recognition necessary to survive,” said Derrick Kibby, as he posted an obligatory HBD on several Facebook friend’s walls whom he hasn’t actually spoken with in years. He notes that this is the only real way to maintain a friendship. HBD.

The lack of social media encouragement from people who could be loosely defined as acquaintances caused Kibby to reach deep in the archives and post a picture from his childhood, thinking the adherence to the inexplicably still popular #TBT would get him the likes he needed. The lack of response to the picture has caused him to question everything.

“How could everyone promptly ignore a picture that proved, at one point in my life, I was a child? My childhood must have been dog shit if it only got three likes…or maybe I was never a child at all and I didn’t get any likes because people found it creepy that I was posting pictures of other peoples children…that must be it,” continued Kibby despondently, visibly shaken knowing that his entire childhood is now in question and that he may or may not have posted a random picture of someone else’s child.

Whoever dies with the most likes wins. Social media validation is the only thing that matters. Three likes means you were never a child at all.

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Anniversary social media post functions as foundation of couple’s marriage

Chicago, IL-An anniversary post proudly announcing to friends and family what is already assumed fact is a pivotal point in any marriage. Very specific, heartfelt emotions about a spouse deserve to transcend merely existing between two people. They should be immortalized on a social media, for the entire world to cherish and judge.

Examined with reverence and heavily reflected upon by a high school acquaintance as they toggle back and forth between PornHub and the earnest Facebook post. They are filled with an overwhelming joy knowing that someone they once spoke to in sophomore year geometry is married to another person they’ve never met and will never meet. Watching the digital evolution of two complete strangers is, after all, one of life’s last miracles.

“I had no idea where my wife and I stood after a year, you couldn’t imagine the relief when I saw her lengthy Facebook post sandwiched between an ad for the last shoes I’ll ever wear and a CNN exposé on the constitutional rights of sex robots” said Phillip Biggins who had waited anxiously for the potential post for weeks.

The post garnered just enough likes to reinforce that, it had in fact been a good year together, thus providing the coveted approval that would fuel the marriage for at least another year. “Stephanie Mackewitz was nowhere to be found in the 12+ likes the post garnered, I thought she would be happy about me announcing that I love my best friend, I guess not,” said Kelly Biggins, a look of resentment growing apparent.

Phillip has since responded with a well-timed post that reads “Love you babe #thisisonlythebeginning.” It has received three likes and a comment since being posted over 6 hours ago.

Logan Paul will put his junk in a lava lamp if you give him money for a Spencer’s Gifts franchise

Hollywood, CA-The steady fart stream of an entire generation and dead animal comedic pioneer, Logan Paul, has officially started his next unforgettable venture…the launch of a signature Spencer’s Gifts franchise as an outlet store in Six Flags Great America, and he needs your help. After getting banned from YouTube for live streaming himself smoking K2 spice blend out of Cecil the Lion’s skull, he’s launched a Kickstarter to fulfill an incredibly deserved lifelong dream.

“I was conceived, born and raised in a Spencer’s Gifts, specifically on a backlight poster with an alien on it which read: Take Me to Your Dealer. My only food source, until I was old enough to eat Auntie Anne pretzels, was boner pills and 90% of the air I breathed was incense burnt from a sculpture of a cats butthole…I owe a lot to that place,” reminisced Paul, in an oddly fond manner given the horrific circumstances.

Now in an attempt to relive those joyous memories, Paul is humbling asking for your donation. The hungry and sick be damned, nothing will warm your heart more than reuniting a YouTube vlogger with a godforsaken mall rat’s nest that has been relocated to live inside of an amusement park.

Not convinced?

If he reaches his goal he’ll permanently maim himself by sticking his junk into a scolding hot lava lamp…and boomerang it! So donate now!

Your official vaping starter kit awaits…

Rockford, Illinois-An e-cigarette and e-cigarette accessory store has created an offer that will submerge you in the illusive vape culture that has escaped so many. Rivaled only by the Free Masons in terms of barriers to entry and undying dedication, vape ethos has seemed impossibly distant to normal people. But VaperzParadize in Rockford Illinois is changing everything with their new vape starter kit. A kit that thrusts you into forbidden realm and gives you the tools you need to succeed at relentlessly sucking on a device that has roughly the same dimensions as a Capri Sun and filled with cotton candy flavored nicotine water.

VaperzParadize realizes that vaping isn’t just some transitory fad, it is a way of life. Something that defines you. To elevate the already predisposed assumption of sophistication that accompanies vaping, four completely essential items are included with all e-cigarette purchases.

  • Fedora-Nothing accentuates four flaccid fingers awkwardly holding an e-cigarette like a fucking fedora. Pulled straight from Rob Kardashian’s new “Big Head Small Hat” line
  • Criss Angel Master Mindfreak Volume 6 Blueray DVD-The only thing cooler than vaping is magic, more importantly not knowing how to do any magic, but being a celebrity magic connoisseur
  • Blue Tooth Headset-Why bother holding a phone when you could be double fisting two vapes of differeing flavors while chatting with buddies about consuming loneliness and the prospect of being a failure of a father someday
  • 10% off Tilted Kilt coupon-No real explanation needed for a 10% off coupon for a restaurant of this esteem. Buckets of domestics and wondering why you’ve been crying yourself to sleep for weeks. Also the feeling of cantaloupe flavored vapor delicately whisking a Wicked Boston Big Arse Burger down your cram-hole is completely unrivaled

So jumpstart your descent into the mist. Get the e-cigarette you needed not the e-cigarette you deserved.

Roseanne returns, starring Steve Harvey as Roseanne

Hollywood, CA-After a disgraceful exit from network television, ABC executives met last week to discuss the future of Roseanne. In the meeting it was determined that the cardboard palettes of American’s dumb enough to watch network television needed to be cleansed. Washed over with another reheated, cereal bowl of skim milk and chased with a fistful equally hot cantaloupe innards.

It was time to truly show the country what the network stood for and create something that the country as a whole could cherish and call their own.

Enter Roseanne 2, ABC’s newest and most ambitious endeavor yet.

Roseanne 2 is set to launch next week and will star the only man 100% of American’s trust, Steve Harvey. Steve Harvey will star as Roseanne and, as such, has agreed to undergo a scalp replacement surgery with the real Roseanne Barr in an effort to capture the true essence of the character. Similar to the surgery seen in the movie Face Off, but fortunately limited to scalps only.

The horrifying monstrosity that is born will undoubtedly unite the nation with zany hijinks. Watch at Steve Harvey wheels around New York City on a Segway made out of deli meat pegging people in the face with full cans of Mountain Dew Code Red and drawing caricatures of rat families by the peer. And once a week, he’ll play a solo game of Russian roulette with a t-shirt cannon full of garlic knots from Sbarro.

So tune in now, because you can’t even wipe your own ass!

This person just hired David Baldacci to write the 500 word Instagram caption for their friend’s birthday

Chicago, IL-A person with absolutely no more platitudes to offer about varying friend’s birthdays has hired New York Times best-selling author David Baldacci to pen a vaguely sentimental and undoubtedly lengthy caption to accompany a lifeless picture of a, now distant, acquaintance.

After several years of posts celebrating every national puppy day, national cry yourself to sleep day, national sibling day, national butthole day, take your goat to work day and every single birthday from a lifetime of formative friendships, Kristina Hodges finally had nothing left to say.

An entire deflating Instagram feed oozing oblivion like old Kikkoman bleeding from a rice heart at a Hibachi Grill in middle Indiana.

“Much like my novels, by rearranging a few words, you can make a one-of-a-kind birthday dedication for any friend. Forever my inspiration can be changed to My forever inspiration or Inspiration my forever, because ultimately no one cares, I employed a similar method to my novels Man Down Below and Below, Man Down!” said Baldacci taking a long pull from a Virginia Slim cigarette.

Declining toy industry causes Hasbro to launch Minions Fleshlight

New Carlisle, Indiana-The dying toy industry isn’t done fighting yet. It won’t be mercifully put down like a Paddington Bear overrun with rabies behind the woodshed after a couple of 40’s of King Cobra. Its brain matter won’t be found on the sidewalk like a Furby after being bludgeoned with a sock full of quarters due to paranoia after smoking a cigarette dipped in formaldehyde.

No. It will continue to evolve and cater to the depravity of humankind, as evident in the newly minted Minions Fleshlight launched by Hasbro.

Licensed Fleshlights are generally reserved for porn stars, and or beloved glory holes, but because virtually everything in existence is branded or licensed, and because our species has devolved to a point in which this particular licensing seems like a good idea, die hard Minions fans will be able to finally prove just how dedicated they actually are. A gruesome game of a chicken to see who blinks first, the customer or the crudely fashioned Minions fleshlight.

“We saw a lot of adults oddly wearing around those idiotic looking Minions beanie hats, and figured why not stick with the times and absolutely fucking ruin something,” said Hasbro CEO Grayson Horvath stubbing out a cigarette into a an Angry Birds shrimp deveiner.

Cincinnati zoo slaughters two giant pandas to make room for Walmart Yodel Kid exhibit

Cincinnati, Ohio-In an effort to preserve one of humanity’s most delicate and rare assets, the Cincinnati zoo has agreed to slaughter two giant pandas and replace them with the Walmart Yodel Kid, who will perform for zoo attendees if thrown the correct amount of petting zoo food.

“At a certain point we as humans have to shift to preserving what’s truly important, this was one of the easier decisions we’ve ever made” said head zookeeper Alphonso Knudson, blindfolding the pandas and preparing them for death by firing squad comprised of the zoo’s top donors.

An entire species can be forgotten if they can’t yodel in front of a bunch of drooling, phone wielding assholes at a goddamn rats nest in northern Indiana. The bastard child of Simon Cowell’s deadbeat second cousin. Someone born for a CBS reality show destined to fail.

“Prepare yourself you bastards!” yelled Knudson as the bullets rained down on the pandas and they fell to their anticlimactic death to the cheers of blood thirsty onlookers.

Heartbreaking: High importance email promptly ignored

Chicago, IL-A high importance email sent Monday at 4:45 p.m. was promptly ignored by everyone sent, cc’d and bcc’d on the communication. Like most high importance emails, which generally emphasize someone’s incompetence, lack of preparedness and inability to wipe their own ass, this one contained an extensive who’s who of indistinguishable business jargon and impossible deadlines.

The sender of the email beamed with the overwhelming pride of someone who has spent an eternity meddling in lower-middle management as they baptized the email with a high importance designation before casting the divine order it into oblivion.

The the red exclamation point accompanying the email would surely instill a sense of hope and ownership in the recipients who would soon be burdened with salvaging the rotting flesh dripping from the Times New Roman serif. Wouldn’t it? No.

In a cruel albeit oddly predictable twist of fate, the email was promptly disregarded. The exclamation point functioned like a rusted anchor, dragging it to the bottom of the bloated inbox, submerging it in the depths of purposeful neglect.

Never send a high importance email.