One Tie All Tie

Rahm Emanuel watches Star Wars, promptly gets idea for more taxes

The new “cloud tax” that has been implemented by the greasiest human in history, Rahm Emanuel, has a fairly unusual backstory. The cloud tax will effectively make Chicago residents pay an additional 9% on popular streaming services including Netflix and Spotify, that additional money will be funneled directly into Rahm’s swimming pool full of gold Doubloons.  “Me standing at Red Line stops, pick-pocketing people as I shook their hands just wasn’t cutting it anymore, I had to find another way to save this city” said Rahm as he pissed into his gold plated shark tank bar.

“I was watching Star Wars while jet packing to play a quick 9 at my Country Club, just like I do every day, and noticed a place called Cloud City. This city appeared immensely wealthy, as it was in fact built in the sky, I thought…how could I get enough money…to build a city in the sky?” continued Rahm looking slightly deranged.

His first Google search result of “How to tax clouds” came back with very little useful information, though he did note the possibility of actually taxing clouds and set a reminder to look into it further. After numerous revisions on his search, he came across something he had never seen, a potential gold mine. People had apparently been paying for services that he was completely unaware of, how was money exchanging hands without him knowing about it and taking his rightful percentage?

“I thought to myself, if these people are paying for these streaming services, they probably also want a city in the clouds, much like me! I will levitate Chicago someday!” Screamed Rahm as he finished casting a solid gold bust of himself.

Most Chicago residents would prefer the city stay on the ground, and not pay an additional 9% on streaming services.

WASHINGTON - AUGUST 10:  White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel reacts after reading  "Duck for President," by Doreen Cronin and  Betsy Lewin, to students from Raymond and C.W. Harris Elementary schools during a Reading to the Top event at the Department of Education August 10, 2009 in Washington, DC. The department's Reading to the Top program, which runs through Sept. 11, features various children's books read by the Secretary Duncan, other Cabinet members and top Administration officials.  (Photo by Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images)