Rockford, IL-When the crew from America’s Got Talent came to Rockford, they expected very little from the city known best for its Tilted Kilt franchise. It’s also referred to adoringly by locals as the Gary of Illinois. But as auditions commenced, Heidi, Simon, Howie and Mel B were impressed by most of the acts that functioned as a perfect representation of Middle America: A guy attempting to and failing to wipe his ass for 45 seconds, a woman doing a whole can of duster and eating a 12 oz. Yankee Candle, a masturbating ostrich…all received standing ovations.
But one act stood out in particular…and in the end got the golden buzzer from Howie sending him directly to the live finale. The tear jerking act that united a country involved a man of undetermined age in clown makeup shuffling onto stage silently wearing a diaper made of burlap. He stood as the judges made terrible clown puns as the audience laughed hysterically.
No sooner had the laughter stopped, the clown began to sing an acapella version of Taylor Swift’s smash hit “Shake it Off.” During the song several fits of noticeable and violent diarrhea rendered the clown a crumpled mess on the stage, but he persevered. During the final note the clown stuffed a pigeon into a beer bottle and swallowed it whole before breaking into tears along with audience members.
“This is what makes this show…unlike…anything on T.V.!” proclaimed Howie aghast.
“I didn’t like it…..I LOVED it!” shouted Simon while Mel B and Heidi wept openly next to him.
Just as the clown was going to get the approval necessary for the next round, Howie stood up and to the joy of the crowd pushed the Golden Buzzer, sending the clown to the live finale and ending his life.
Elmhurst, IL-Expressing gratitude for a lifetime of personal sacrifice and unwavering love is often manifested in the form of a cotton candy scented Yankee Candle. But this year one man living in a piece of shit Chicago suburb had other plans for Mother’s Day. Something unique, timeless and able to garner over twenty valuable likes on a given social media platform.
“Posted a pic of her on Instagram WITH a black and white filter,” said Phillip Biggins, with a look of excruciating contentment on his placid face. “I also did 500 words on how she made me the man I am today and how fucking sweet my life is right now. The only thing she has ever wanted in life is validation on a curated social media account in the form of likes from friends that have never met her,” continued Biggins scrolling through a swarm of completely identical Mother’s Day tributes.
When asked, Biggin’s mom confirmed she hadn’t seen the post, didn’t know what a post was, didn’t have an Instagram account and wasn’t aware what Instagram was or why she was being interviewed by a largely unknown surrealist culture blog in the first place.
“Oh yeah…did I mention the hand lotion from Bath & Body Works and the $20 Talbots gift card? #bestsonever #winningatlife #dadsandgrads” concluded Biggins huffing on his finger nails and polishing them against his popped collar, extra medium, Hollister shirt.
Wrigley field Bathroom, Chicago, IL-An area Cubs fan has been polishing his bathroom line material all off season and will finally get a chance to unleash his sophisticated comedic genius on other fans as they wait eagerly and painfully for their chance to piss butts to nuts in a steaming trough.
“People don’t just come to Cubs games for the baseball or the beer, they want the bathroom comradery! Nothing gets the line moving faster and keeps the laughs rolling like a drunken old man screaming incoherently about pissing habits,” said Rusty Mason, a life-long Cubs fan that is said to bleed Old Style and design Family Guy inspired Cubs merch in his spare time.
The loosely defined “routine” consists of one joke that is recycled from year to year after a culmination of blackouts ultimately render Mason’s short term memory obsolete.
“I’ve got a doozy this year! Guided by the hand of our lord and savior Gordon’s Gin and a sock full of spray-paint! If you shake it more than once, you’re playing with it! Timely, relatable and unique, checks all of the boxes for a good joke!” continued Mason blowing black mold from his handheld AM/FM radio.
Cubs’ fans can look forward to a season of aggressively staring into their iPhones in an attempt to avert eye contact with the snickering maniac seeking affirmation.
Hammond, IN-A couple who posted their customary soulless selfie, allegedly on another exotic vacation, has come under scrutiny from several Instagram followers. Though pointblank pictures of two swarming faces battling for real estate has become a mainstay in the account, this particular picture had an uncharacteristic glimpse of actual scenery. Nestled behind another indistinguishable close up of two smug faces was a rare hint of intrigue.
“I assumed I unfollowed them months ago, I guess the boredom ethered my brain into thinking it was just some sort of unavoidable sponsored content from LL Bean” said one follower scrolling without purpose.
“Something was different about this picture, it appeared as though they were actually at a tangible location…perhaps at one point even doing an activity,” said another follower indifferently.
Though the geotag boasted an already snooze worthy Caribbean bound Disney Cruise line, complete with Sleeping Beauty Honeymoon suite, the billowing chemical cloud and sewage ridden snow seen behind them suggested something far more mundane. The unmistakable signature of Hammond Indiana.
When asked, the couple admitted they had made a grave mistake by leaving even a morsel of the picture unmolested by their floating heads and that they were in fact in Hammond, touring the Lion’s Den: Midwest’s Largest Adult Bookstore & Lounge.
Bubba Gump’s Shrimp-Nestled into one of the more secluded and unknown parts of the city, in a quaint part of town known adoringly by locals as Navy Pier; Bubba Gump Shrimp will submerge you in the scenic waters of Lake Michigan. Unfortunately Bubba Gump’s is only for the most hardcore of seafood snobs, offering up unorthodox interpretations on shrimp like popcorn shrimp and coconut shrimp (both styles uniquely Chicago) and a variety of intriguing pairings for the seafood like Moscato and Samuel Adams Boston Lager. The perfect romantic place for an anniversary or to show off the diverse offerings of a big city to an out of towner. Bubba Gump’s Shrimp will bring any seafood gourmand to their knees and have them begging Poseidon for one more piece of buttery flaccid shrimp!
Margaritaville-Adjacent to Bubba Gump’s Shrimp is a charming beachside bungalow called Margaritaville. The perfect place to take a load off and enjoy a few $9 domestic beers. Nothing will melt your cares away faster than listening to, local favorite, Jimmy Buffet’s Cheeseburgers in Paradise on repeat for the entire duration of your meal. It’s the absolute perfect escape from big city living, a little slice of trendy 1940’s Tiki culture right in your own backyard. People will be amazed at the authenticity of the décor and the cocktail program that only uses artisan flavored silver rums like Parrot Bay. No shirt, no shoes, no problem…it’ll be our little secret.
Rainforest Café-Perhaps the most discreet restaurant in Chicago, there is no way for anyone (except veteran Chicagoans) to tell that what lies inside is a gorgeously exotic rainforest themed bar & grill. The ingenuity behind a hyper real amazon experience is unrivaled. The misters will turn any entrée into an elegant soup, and at points the dark, hot, cramped space can make you as delirious as a Malaria induced fever. The smell of dirty diapers is a true bonus and the souvenir shop is ripe with treasures that will be conversation starters for decades. Do you have what it takes to survive in such a new and unusual neighborhood spot?
ESPN Zone Chicago (CLOSED TO PUBLIC, BUT AVAILABLE THROUGH A SECRET HOBBIT DOOR LOCATED IN THE BASEMENT OF EATALY)-Anything with Chicago in the name will clearly be the life force of the city, and ESPN Zone Chicago is no exception. A family run post-futurist restaurant with plenty of eye candy found in the thousands of inescapable plasma screen televisions. Nothing like supporting the local economy with this mom and pop run restaurant. They provide a modern twist on old classics like deep frying chicken tenderloins and deep frying mozzarella cheese. What could be more modern and edgy than having 0 interactions with the person you’re out with? Have a mixologist craft you up a toothsome whiskey and coke to go with staring lifelessly into a monitor, what better way to enjoy the sights and sounds of a big city?!
In an effort to capture the current climate of humanity, Sandals Resort has opened an all-inclusive resort located in the floating mass of assorted trash just off the coast of California. Resort guests can look forward to the same cultureless void that Sandals traditionally offers in other countries, but this time they’ll be on an island of garbage in which the only culture is a singular budget friendly couple’s resort. Instead of walking on white sand in a pair of linen pants guests will get to feel a mixture of steaming hot sewage crawl through their toes as it breaches their economy hazmat suit.
Wading around in human filth in a shoddy hazmat suit while you struggle for consciousness is just one of the many activities at the new Sandals location. Guests will also be treated to the resident Jimmy Buffet Caribbean cover band “Breeze’n,” a group of ex-convicts that have been living against their will on the island and have learned to play the song Margaritaville using seagull carcasses and DVD cases. Don’t forget to tip!
And let’s not forget about the crowning achievement…the group snorkeling trip. The trip is led by Thomas Jane, the guy who seemed pretty good at snorkeling in Deep Blue Sea and still holds a massive vendetta against all underwater life. Guests will explore the sprawling rat ecosystem that has arisen underneath the trash vortex. Swim amongst thousands of enchanting nests and schools of swimming rats who have inexplicably developed gills and human intelligence. And of course, witnessing Thomas Jane slaughter hordes of rats in the most violent ways imaginable.
Close out the day by laying in the smoldering sun and guzzling discarded Boones Farm swill out of a mop bucket. All at a fraction of the cost of other resorts! So why wait…put that spark back in your relationship today…with a species of evolved rats in a garbage patch on the sun!
Mesa Grill, Las Vegas-The stand-off is officially over. Many expected the change years ago, but foolish pride had gotten in the way. Now with ratings plummeting and an audience that has grown accustomed to watching Guy Fieri attempt to wipe his ass with a fistful of pulled pork, Bobby Flay will finally fulfill the simpleminded desires of a nation.
The key to ratings is relatability, which Flay currently lacks. Having a real name, showing an aptitude for cooking, and not being in constant state of severe perspiration, are all mechanisms for displaying a superiority to the common viewer. Having visible heart palpitations, while your forehead glistens like a newborn lamb as you wrestle with a trash can full of Italian beef is seen as highly relatable. With this in mind, Bobby Flay has legally changed his name to Bobby “The Steak Dude” FiletTM.
Armed with an idiotic steak hat and a super soaker full of A1 Steak Sauce, FiletTM has several new shows coming to the Cooking network. “Meat or nah?” is a show in which Filet fires a t-shirt gun full of a mystery substance into the face of a blindfolded contestant, they must determine if the substance was meat or not before the timer runs out and they’re forced to butt funnel a 72 oz. ribeye!
“Vodka Sirloin” is a program in which FiletTM travels around the country and disregards various specialty menu items to order and consume a sirloin slathered in well-vodka. With new catch phrases like “Steaktown U.S.A,” “Make America Steak Again,” “X-X-X-X-X-XTRA M-M-M-M-EDIUM” and “Woops I just blew my…signature A1 sauce on that knuckle steak!,” Bobby Filet TM has become the insufferable cartoon we all wanted.
Little Chute, Wisconsin-Jack’s Pizza has been making moderately edible pizza for over sixty years. A flimsy mechanism for delivering your daily recommended dosage of Hidden Valley. With toppings that whimsically drift inches above the pie itself and vacate onto your chin with even the tiniest nibble. Shedding the scolding hot cheese and pepperoni like a snake molting in the middle of June.
There’s really only one way to eat Jack’s pizza and it involves coming home out of your mind on well-whiskey and whippets, turning the oven to 600 degrees, neglecting the preheating process entirely, and hastily throwing the pizza in the oven with the cardboard still planted steadfastly beneath it. Though as the whiskey eases your brain into a slow rolling Jacuzzi of ether and the siren song of the couch grows ever more persuasive, the likelihood of you actually waking up to retrieve the pizza out of the oven decreases dramatically.
That’s why Jack’s Pizza has partnered with Fireball Whiskey to create the Jack’s Fight Fire with Fire Party Box: Sometimes the Only Way to Put Out a Fire is to Start a FireTM. The box comes with a flame retardant pizza, a parliament cigarette the size of a breadstick and a signature Fireball marinara that will torch your ring piece but NOT your house.
You’ll wake up the next morning filled with delight, knowing that you haven’t been engulfed in a fiery tomb and can now eat an uncooked pizza smothered in Fireball whiskey. Let the Jack’s Fight Fire with Fire Party Box ignite the fire in your soul.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a tear dripped stoically down a manager’s worn cheeks, across a tranquil smile and onto the mahogany desk below. The sight of a group of coworkers tolerating each other at a mandatory birthday celebration proved overwhelming. The manager looked on in awe and reflected on the glorious culture. The faceless coworkers exchanged dull pleasantries while internally scheming the inevitable retreat to their respective desks. One coworker suggested “The weather has been nice today,” another replied “It seems cooler than usual,” to which they both agreed that there was in fact weather and that it sometimes changed.
The manager looked at how much they had grown as a testament to her leadership, growing from complete strangers into peers forced to endure each other on a daily basis. A sturdy bond, forged in the eternal flames of corporate America, bound by passive aggressive emails and incompetence. The transformation was incredible and substantiated the emotional onslaught in the barren office.
Two men stood, vacantly grinning, discussing a sporting event that neither had watched nor had any interest in. One employee asked if his voice sounded different in the morning versus the afternoon, no one could be certain or cared enough to reply. This was the mecca of growth and innovation.
Another tear dripped gently from the manager’s eye, she returned quietly to her desk and in time so did the rest of the coworkers. They always returned to their desk.
Bridgeport, Illinois-There was no telling what was going to happen when the words left his mouth, a social risk unlike any other. A conversation starter that Phillip Biggins had been dialing up for weeks. Diligently honing and perfecting several scripted sentences for that very occasion. A hot take that was both edgy and imaginative would be the perfect way for him to create a lasting impression on anyone he met that day. His own triumph of inspiration that would be celebrated perhaps more than the union itself.
The ultimate leap of faith finally happened just after the ceremony as Biggins approached a group of congregating wedding guests. “Beautiful out,” he suggested with a knowing grin “Couldn’t have asked for a better day for it, I’ll tell yah!” he continued looking proudly out over the rain soaked asphalt.
Several members of the group agreed adding “Really is one for the ages, but what about the ceremony? Gorgeous service! I’d sit through a ceremony like that again!” They all nodded in silent agreement. After several seconds of excruciating silence Biggins suggested “And how bout the bride? Certainly a beautiful bride, really did look nice, and parents looked really happy as well,” As the suffocating dullness of the interaction set in, Biggins gave one last satisfying nod before departing.
The entire exchange occurred, perhaps predictably, without incident. It quickly neutralized any glimmer of personality while also ensuring there was a vague interest in the wedding itself. The risk had paid off and would certainly be used to generate conversation at weddings for years to come.