Myrtle Beach, South Carolina-After decades of painstakingly seeking the cradle of Mexican inspired American-tourist forward cuisine, Celebrity Chef Rick Bayless has finally unearthed the mossy keystone from which everything was born. Following several days of grueling travel to reach a remote fishing village known as “Myrtle Beach,” Bayless set forth to uncover the mysteries that had lay dormant in the city’s underbelly since the beginning of time.
In particular, a quaint beachside bungalow known by locals as Señor Frog’s became an object of fascination for Bayless. Señor Frog was originally a name given to a beloved goat who regularly graced the bar that kind of looked like a frog if you were drunk enough, he was immortalized in the bar name after being decapitated in a gruesome Jet Ski accident.
Bayless spent countless nights there, submerging himself to the point of madness, as wet t-shirt contests were held, lava lamps were butt chugged and free beer koozies were given to people who agreed to be kicked in the nuts by Dog the Bounty Hunter impersonator. This was culture. This was heaven.
“Farm to table nitrous balloons, hand crafted Red Bull Vodkas rimmed with organic Stacker 2 energy pills, 60/40 ground chuck blend shaped into a fist, and a VR gravity bong experience, will all be available at my new restaurant Donkey Dick’s Bar & Grill,” said Bayless furiously scribing pre-emptive Trip Advisor reviews.
The bar will cater to people who want to appear interesting and adventurous but are actually quite dull. Wading through a cultureless abyss of Michelob Ultra buckets and acid fueled three legged races.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a faceless and wholly beige employee with a productive cough was scene proudly riding the elevator down a single floor. The prospect of ten or so stairs proved too daunting for the person who spends the entirety of their day resting like cloth goiter from an outdated desk chair.
The rest of the elevator suffered in silence, a quiet rage settled in as the additional several seconds spent dropping the insect on his floor becomes an excruciating undertaking. Audible sighs were exchanged coupled with a ceremonial passive aggressive jamming of the close button in a futile attempt to humiliate the person enough into reconsidering their decision next time.
The employee remained predictably unaware, apparently having a me week, a me month, a me year. Gazing purposefully into a rousing game of bubble shooter. After the doors opened on their floor, the sick fuck looked almost surprised, as though they expected the elevator to somehow take longer, or drop him off in an unknown land. Uncertainty takes hold and more precious seconds dissolve as they grow inexplicably more confused.
Finally satisfied with the floor choice, the employee exited the elevator, to promptly become someone else’s burden.
Inspiring triumphs like slowly gating down a dozen concrete stairs certainly lie ahead for this person, just not today.
Universal Studios, Orlando-A bachelorette party, which required guests to spend over $400 on disposable bride themed swag and take a full week off work, proved to be a truly unforgettable and not at all burdensome experience after a boomerang surfaced of party attendees boastfully cheersing plastic champagne flutes full of Barefoot Rosé.
“It took about 20 minutes to get the right boomerang, but that kind of persistence, adherence to personal branding, and disregard of interests outside of Instagram is what THIS bride tribe is all about…am I right ladies?!? Who’s having a good fucking time!?” screamed Kelli Barnett while dragging the hungover and sunburnt group of girls to get their picture taken with a wax statue of Draco Malfoy at the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.
Because the heavily curated and patrolled bachelorette Instagram hashtag permitted only joyous, albeit naturally joyous and not doctored looking posts, the rest of the world can only imagine the underlying misery. A weekend distilled into tears and vomit.
“What we lack in personality, we make up for in sheer volume of posts…I mean…we’re all just a little EXTRA…mmmmkayyy?” continued Barnett furiously applying filters to a dreadful looking picture.
Hollywood, CA-Outrage is a default emotion at this point for humanity, a resting state of fury and frustration ready to pulverize anything with even the slightest scent of creative expression. Most notably were the recent protests surrounding the movie Paddington 2, in which a friendly talking bear became a messiah for communism and a champion for Joseph Stalin by wearing a red hat.
With outrage perpetually spewing forth like last night’s Taco Bell, it can difficult to distinguish a salvageable nacho chip from the generalized pile of guts and filth. For the record, accusing a fictitious, rain boot wearing bear of being a bastard communist is legitimate outrage.
However an even more contemptuous movie is now under the same fire from an array of different activist groups. Universal Studios announced that it will be remaking the movie Bridesmaids even though it is only 7 years old. The catch? Larry the Cable Guy has been cast as every character. Men and Women’s rights groups have formed an unlikely united protest.
“Unfortunately Larry the Cable Guy should only be cast as 1/3 of the characters in any given movie, it’s an important bylaw written in our very logical, not at all overcompensating or unfounded Men’s Rights Bible,” said prominent men’s rights activist Terry Mitchell, as he crawled serpentine up the basement stairs for his mom to spoon feed him Pizza Rolls.
Women’s rights activists agreed on that oddly specific stipulation while also noting that really nothing in this world deserves to suffer the burden of Larry the Cable Guy, especially an objectively hilarious movie.
So come see the remake of Bridesmaids this summer where Larry the Cable Guy will Git Er Done in full bridal attire! Hilarious!
Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a Chicago man spotted at Joe’s on Weed wearing shamrock sunglasses, green plaid pants and a shirt that said “Its magically delicious” with an arrow pointing towards his piss soaked jeans, ended his night attempting to beat off before passing out completely alone in a familiar computer chair. This circumstance is by all accounts a successful Saint Patrick’s Day for the braindead fucking locusts lapping up green colored Coors Light off of a urinal cake at Fin McCool’s.
“The shirt was hilarious! I mean whoever the fuck thought of that shirt KNEW that it would make chicks wanna suck on your junk! Sure I pissed myself in the first 20 minutes of the day, and ended up shitting my pants an hour later, but still!” said Terry Horvath, at a completely epic brunch in which him and the rest of his goddamn goons brought their own green food coloring to.
The perfect Saint Patrick’s Day is being crammed like sausage skin into a brutally overpriced bar where the Ed Sheeran blasting makes it impossible to actually spend time with any friends. These are the times you’ll cherish for the rest of your life. If you’re lucky you’ll only hate 98% of the bar, the other 1% are likely unconscious on the floor making them somewhat more tolerable.
“I’ll leave it at this…I was Fit Shaced last night…hahhaa” continued Horvath knowing he’s a burden that no city should have to shoulder.
Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a man was seen staring whimsically out of a window at New Wave Coffee in Logan Square, his left hand rested limply yet somehow thoughtfully placed on a mint copy of A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. The book appeared blatantly without wear, with all of the shine and smugness of a freshly bought copy from Barnes & Noble, making him instantly superior to any other primitive dregs strewn about the coffee shop.
“It looks like a really good book, I’ve been threatening to read it for over 5 years now. People seem pretty impressed with my ability to carry a book around for half a decade,” said Terry Horvath
Though he’s never actually read a single page of A Confederacy of Dunces, it’s proven to be a perfect prop to brood over at varying breweries and coffee shops around the city.
“The mere thought of reading the book is so powerful, so overwhelming, that I end up just moodily staring into the abyss hoping that an attractive woman notices and approaches me,” continued Horvath, tracing his finger seductively over the smooth cover of the book.
Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a man with no personality, no discernible features and a self-described “dark” sense of humor, treated other party guests to the age old comic tradition of recycling something created by a corporate marketing team with the sole purpose of selling more product.
“Who doesn’t love Dilly Dilly? It’s all like…Dilly Dilly…then the other guy is like Dilly Dilly or some shit! It really spoke to me!” said Terry Lapadat with a knowing grin on his face, coolly tipping back an ice cold Bud Light through an absolutely idiotic looking goatee.
Lapadat falls into the unfortunate demographic of people who, due to being born without a personality and being otherwise wholly ordinary, instead rely on the consumption, digestion, and regurgitation of content designed for the lowest denominator of humankind.
A knuckle dragging, shit-for-brains, leaving an uninspired skid mark on anything and anyone he interacts with, Lapadat can be seen at varying parties quoting the 2009 comedy The Hangover or discussing the comedic nuance behind Dane Cook’s Kool-Aid Man skit.
Hammond, IN-Realizing America’s obsession with subscription services and willingness to consume whatever filler is crammed into their sagging skin, one company has come up with an game-changing idea that could revolutionize the way we consume and produce waste.
In order to satisfy the need to buy absolute fucking garbage from swarming Facebook ads, Widget Inc. has created a subscription service that will deliver a heaving box of trash directly to a rarely used closet in your house, and then will pick that box up a month later and dump the contents directly into the Pacific Ocean. The box contains all sorts of items that exist for the sole purpose of giving incompetent marketing teams something to do.
The only thing more powerful than the will to needlessly consume, is the will to promote, to create as much noise as possible until a fever pitch is reached and someone with a broken will and a dull enough life makes the purchase.
The subscription is only $29.99 a month and even comes with a premium subscription to a streaming service where users can watch their waste fester, destroy wildlife and even become part of the Pacific Northwest trash vortex! So buy more shit now!
Hollywood, CA-After the unforeseen success experienced by the heartbreaking epic, Manchester by the Sea, Hollywood executives have decided to create a sequel of the film with the intent of making it a more digestible experience to the lowest common denominator of humankind, which happens to be the majority of film goers in the United States.
The sequel is being called Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded, and features a powerhouse cast covering virtually every meaningful film genre over the last 20 years. From movies involving four grown adults pissing in a kid’s pool to films about Gerard Butler’s oiled up abs, MBTS: Fully Loaded is jammed up and ready to blow harder than a crudely fashioned glory hole at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Part of the film is shot in black and white and entirely silent, as Dane Cook and Kevin James work as ailing chimney sweeps in 1940’s Russia. But after they discover a treasure map sent from Ben Franklin, played by a shirtless, greased up Girard Butler, their entire world changes as they are sent on mission to find the resurrected corpse of a prominent Free Mason, alien high priestess capable of eluding death. (Ali Larter)
Watch as this fast paced, action packed examination of the human spirit, piledrives a thousand emotions into your brain at once and finishes with a CGI battle for galactic supremacy between a Tim Allen hologram and Jack Sparrow from the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise.
Critics are calling Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded “A rare glimpse into Steven Seagal’s butthole,” and “Fully loaded, more like fully bloated, in terms of the out of shape, has-been cast,”
So see Manchester by the Sea II: Fully Loaded today!
Beverly Hills, CA-The famed reality television star, known primarily for euthanizing original thought and eliminating the country’s desire to collectively wipe their own ass, on Bravo’s hit show The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, has graciously given her first born daughter to a pack of wandering alpacas who had tragically lost their own daughter last month.
Delilah Belle Hamlin will be handed over to the San Diego Zoo this Wednesday where she will be slowly introduced to the alpaca family she’ll be spending the rest of her life with. “Alpaca’s can be very territorial and quite food possessive, but this staff is committed to working tirelessly until she is an accepted member of the Alpaca community,” said one of the zookeepers, adjusting his tranquilizer gun from afar as the two parties participated in a round of weary introductions.
The Alpaca family had lost its original daughter after a snowmobile stunt went horribly awry during the filming of We Bought a Zoo starring Matt Damon. Much like the American public, the loss of such a beloved alpaca greatly affected Rinna. More so than all-consuming gender and racial inequality, worldwide hunger and the impending destruction of us all by a lunatic president, righting the wrongful death of Suzy the alpaca took precedence and replacing it with a human reality star was virtually the only thing left to do. With the added benefit of maintining relevance for another 5 minutes in the age of endless consumption.
Tune in next week for the premiere of the new reality television series “The Daughters of San Diego Zoo,” and witness the trials, tribulations and ultimately heartwarming story of a girl being raised by alpacas.