One Tie All Tie

New Year’s Eve commemorated by furiously scrambling to get most out of $100 drink package

Moe’s Cantina River North, Chicago, IL– Distilling an entire year’s worth of emotions into a single night can never fail. Especially when standing butts to nuts with a thousand other complete strangers in the exact same mindset. Everyone wearing cloths they’d otherwise never wear, creating briefly unforgettable moments in a bar they’d otherwise never go to. New Year’s Eve never disappoints.

Triumphs are celebrated with an idiotic plastic top hat and a kazoo dripping with spittle that will inevitably give you strep. Failures are mourned with a watered down gin and tonics and a fistfuls of soggy popcorn shrimp. The crippling pressure to create a memorable experience to close out the year creates the fun, flirty atmosphere everyone is seeking.

But the true excitement of New Year’s Eve is the consuming terror that accompanies not getting your money’s worth from the overpriced drink package. As was the case at the annual PARTY LIKE A CELEBRITY/GOLF PROS & TENNIS HOES New Year’s Eve mega-bash at Moe’s Cantina.

“Sure, I lost all of my friends the second we walked in…and nervously standing in line the entire night wasn’t great, but most importantly, I managed to struggle down 19 poorly made Malibu Mudslides!” recalled Phillip Biggins between violent retching fits that will haunt him physically and spiritually for days. Fulfilling the self-imposed obligation of drinking his money’s worth is a memory that will be cherished for a lifetime.

“Oh! I do remember seeing my buddy Matt, slumped over and crying in the bathroom, he had shit himself and was trying to eat a pint glass whole…he didn’t elaborate but I assumed it was a ploy to get laid…classic Matt!” continued Biggins examining a soul-crushing receipt for a $300 Uber ride.

With the drink package, the surging Uber, the stolen coat, the hole punched through his front door and the ensuing hospital bill for the broken hand, New Year’s Eve ended up costing Biggins slightly over $4,000 and a friendship. A small price to pay for a blurry Instagram of himself toasting in the new year alone.