Area woman announces New Year’s resolution to be more present with onslaught of Instagram posts

Chicago, IL-A Chicago resident bravely announced her New Year’s resolution to be more present, to her uninterested social media following through a flurry of dull Instagram posts. Though most people wouldn’t have the courage to commit to something which requires absolutely no accountability to a group of people who could care less, Sarah Kibby persisted.

“I make about 20 posts related to New Year’s, most of them are just variations of me wearing an adorbz festive tiara at a sparsely attended bar that you totally wish you were at, but at the end of the relentless onslaught of posts, I’ll announce my resolution,” said Kibby furiously scrutinizing her best nine generated Instagram pictures.

Her resolution this year is simple, be more present. To live more in the moment instead of obsessively creating mundane content for her social media outlets. In order to achieve this, she’ll be live broadcasting her entire journey, 24 hours a day.

Aloof followers will be treated to a live stream of her day with her narrating and analyzing every single action, as content reigns down on them like demon hell fire, they can at least find solace in the notion that Kibby is 100% more present.

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Lululemon has $150 workout gear that disintegrates once you completely quit on the New Year

Chicago, IL-Like committing to a New Year’s resolution of physical and spiritual wellness but know that moderation in any aspect of your life is virtually impossible? Know that you’re going to let yourself go a mere week into the New Year? Enjoy biodegradable clothing that disintegrates into fish food one week after purchase? Lululemon has you covered!

The newest completely unreasonable line from Lululemon called “It’s a me year”, promotes an existence of all-consuming excess that benefits only you for an entire year. The high performance athletic cloths are designed to empower and instill confidence in men and women by encouraging that it’s completely ok to just give up.

The cloths are constructed to withstand three moderately paced workouts before crumbling into a flakey powder that serves as a nutrient for most aquatic life. The days of unused workout cloths plaguing your closet are over and the days of a healthier, more robust fish tank have just begun.

So live selfishly, dress out of your means, and just quit…after all…it is YOUR year!

yoga

 

New Year’s Eve commemorated by furiously scrambling to get most out of $100 drink package

Moe’s Cantina River North, Chicago, IL– Distilling an entire year’s worth of emotions into a single night can never fail. Especially when standing butts to nuts with a thousand other complete strangers in the exact same mindset. Everyone wearing cloths they’d otherwise never wear, creating briefly unforgettable moments in a bar they’d otherwise never go to. New Year’s Eve never disappoints.

Triumphs are celebrated with an idiotic plastic top hat and a kazoo dripping with spittle that will inevitably give you strep. Failures are mourned with a watered down gin and tonics and a fistfuls of soggy popcorn shrimp. The crippling pressure to create a memorable experience to close out the year creates the fun, flirty atmosphere everyone is seeking.

But the true excitement of New Year’s Eve is the consuming terror that accompanies not getting your money’s worth from the overpriced drink package. As was the case at the annual PARTY LIKE A CELEBRITY/GOLF PROS & TENNIS HOES New Year’s Eve mega-bash at Moe’s Cantina.

“Sure, I lost all of my friends the second we walked in…and nervously standing in line the entire night wasn’t great, but most importantly, I managed to struggle down 19 poorly made Malibu Mudslides!” recalled Phillip Biggins between violent retching fits that will haunt him physically and spiritually for days. Fulfilling the self-imposed obligation of drinking his money’s worth is a memory that will be cherished for a lifetime.

“Oh! I do remember seeing my buddy Matt, slumped over and crying in the bathroom, he had shit himself and was trying to eat a pint glass whole…he didn’t elaborate but I assumed it was a ploy to get laid…classic Matt!” continued Biggins examining a soul-crushing receipt for a $300 Uber ride.

With the drink package, the surging Uber, the stolen coat, the hole punched through his front door and the ensuing hospital bill for the broken hand, New Year’s Eve ended up costing Biggins slightly over $4,000 and a friendship. A small price to pay for a blurry Instagram of himself toasting in the new year alone.

nye