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Trump seeks doctor to perform risky but lucrative Hulk Hands surgery

Washington, D.C.-President elect Donald Trump has begun a worldwide search for a doctor with questionable morals and steady hands to perform an elective surgery that would replace his current set of pygmy hoofs with the popular Hulk Hand toy.

“My hands are NOT small at all. In fact they’re quite bigly. You want to see small hands look at my coward son Barron. That little pussy has small hands. VERY SMALL hands compared to my giant ham beaters, in fact I pray for them every day,” Said Trump struggling to get his slender tentacles around the brush he will eventually use on Steve Bannon’s unruly hair.

The surgery is fairly traditional though hasn’t become as mainstream as originally anticipated. Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is tranquilized, gagged, blindfolded and spun around three times. Once he catches the scent of human flesh, the gag is removed and he eats through skin and bone as any beast would, creating the perfect crevice to crudely attach a Hulk Hand to.  Two bottles of Elmer’s glue are the customary adhesive.

Trump went on to talk about how many new activities he could do with the new hands, failing to realize that although bigger, they will be completely and utterly unusable. Rendering him incapable of completing the most basic tasks necessary for human survival.