Los Angeles, CA-A sea of protesters enveloping the entirety of Los Angeles has officially turned violent according to sources. What was originally thought to be a protest involving either the corrupt nature of our current government administration, extensive gender inequality, institutional racism, or the systematic destruction of our plant, actually turned out to be a demonstration advocating the return of Brenden Frazer to the Mummy franchise.
In what is being called the largest protest ever recorded, nearly a third of the entire country migrated to Los Angeles to advocate the fair treatment of Brendan Fraser. According to protesters, the previously listed issues are trivial at best and generally have no impact on the human race as a whole. Whereas tainting a staple in American history like The Mummy franchise could have lasting emotional and physical effects on the country.
“Just put him back in the damn movie,” said one protester wearing a prosthetic that made his lower half appear like a scorpion. “The other stuff don’t matter, you think we have time to deal with that shit while the glorious name of The Mummy gets tarnished! I voted for Trump to prevent this shit!” he continued adjusting his Bluetooth headset.
As the protests wage on, solace can be found in America’s ability to create a united front against oppressive and imperative issues threatening to derail humanity.
Washington, D.C.-Coming under recent scrutiny from having campaign merchandise that was produced in both Vietnam and China, President Elect has vowed that his newest business endeavor will be 100% made in America. Trump Jankem is set to hit stores later this month, the product itself is a thinning, hastily tied grocery bag full of dry-aged human feces.
The product is being described as huffable patriotism and is said to wreak such immense havoc on your brain and nervous system that you’ll transform from open-minded liberal to bigoted tree stump in minutes.
“We’re not just selling bags of my loosest BM’s and I’m talking LOOSE, ok, we’re selling bags of freedom, that’s right a chance at REDEMPTION for all of my many enemies, a chance to bring Steve Bannon’s favorite past-time to the masses!” said Trump squatting over a bag being held by an eager Vice President Mike Pence.
The dry aged fumes are said to directly bolster patriotism in 4 of 5 people who huff Trump Jankem and when combined with Breitbart news or any network television shows it has been reported that true nirvana is experienced as all brain activity momentarily ceases.
Look for Trunk Jankem next to Mountain Dew Code Red in the beverage aisle at any convenient store.
Hollywood, CA-It’s been almost five years since the final Twilight iteration joined the ranks of disposable movies played on TBS on weekday afternoons, which means that it’s high-time for an unwanted and totally unnecessary, way-to-soon reimagining. The ravenous group of Twihards have been dormant lately, waiting to pounce on the next money-grabbing reheat.
But this isn’t just another shitty spinoff, what’s being called the sexiest straight to DVD release since American Pie: The Naked Mile, could stoke the romance flame for even modest admirers of cross-species love affairs. Appropriately named, Twilight: Justice, will also be the Hollywood debut of post-teens heartthrob, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg starring as Jacob Black.
When Hollywood executives witnessed the intensity of her workout program along with her affinity towards aggressive weight-lifting supplements and her admiration of supernatural shapeshifters, they deemed her qualified to success Taylor Lautner as Jacob. Discovering that hidden under those robes was not only a champion of gender equality but also a set of oiled up, ultra-tan, hulking biceps resemblant of fully cycled Sylvester Stallone from Rocky IV.
Most of the movie is RBG ripping through the forest on all fours before shredding and eating varying members of a peaceful vampire society that had nothing to do with the original series. There isn’t much romance, or plot for that matter, in fact the only real romance to be found is between Jacob and the bloodied organs scattered after a fresh dismembering. Most of the scenes contain such graphic butcheries that the movie is currently only being sold at The Lion’s Den Adult Megastore in Rockford Illinois.
Ruth Bader Ginsburg is set to retire and begin shooting a Rambo First Blood Part II reimagining in 2045.
Washington, D.C.-Senior advisor and office rodent, Steve Bannon, has confirmed that President Trump has been quite delighted since switching from regular baby wipes to calamine infused baby wipes. “When I would put him on the changing table, he would cry, he was inconsolable as I dragged the wipe across his chapped, poopy ass,” said Bannon with a steady stream of drool gathering on his chin.
Though Trump appears virtually the same to the public, Bannon confirmed that since using the calamine infused wipes, Trump’s ass appears far less grotesque. He hopes that his assistance in said endeavor will make Trump even more malleable…and perhaps one day even be taught to wipe his own ass.
“He still isn’t having solid bowel movements and remains generally fussy throughout the day but I know that my little brave baby boy is going to be just like his Uncle Steve,” continued Bannon running a comb slowly through Trump’s thinning hair as he busied himself with a new Highlights magazine.
Washington, D.C.-President elect Donald Trump has begun a worldwide search for a doctor with questionable morals and steady hands to perform an elective surgery that would replace his current set of pygmy hoofs with the popular Hulk Hand toy.
“My hands are NOT small at all. In fact they’re quite bigly. You want to see small hands look at my coward son Barron. That little pussy has small hands. VERY SMALL hands compared to my giant ham beaters, in fact I pray for them every day,” Said Trump struggling to get his slender tentacles around the brush he will eventually use on Steve Bannon’s unruly hair.
The surgery is fairly traditional though hasn’t become as mainstream as originally anticipated. Chief Strategist Steve Bannon is tranquilized, gagged, blindfolded and spun around three times. Once he catches the scent of human flesh, the gag is removed and he eats through skin and bone as any beast would, creating the perfect crevice to crudely attach a Hulk Hand to. Two bottles of Elmer’s glue are the customary adhesive.
Trump went on to talk about how many new activities he could do with the new hands, failing to realize that although bigger, they will be completely and utterly unusable. Rendering him incapable of completing the most basic tasks necessary for human survival.
Washington, D.C.-In an act of unbridled solidarity President Elect Donald Trump has, like the American borders, banned anything going in and coming out of his body. The order is extensive and strictly forbids both nutrients needed for survival and the equally important expulsion of waste.
“Anything not in my body already, is an enemy. ENEMY. And anything trying to get out is a traitor. That’s right a traitor, and not very American at all! Very Un-American!” said an already jaundiced and bloated Trump between fainting spells, veins protruding from his melting face.
To accomplish such a feat, Trump requires senior counselor and loyal toady Steve Bannon to apply a thick layer of rubber cement to his ring piece nightly. He also uses Bannon’s fully naked body as one of the most extreme and severe appetite suppressants to ever exist.
“The order is going VERY well, very nicely. The bleeding around my butt and blinding pain in my stomach are all signs of the process WORKING. And Bannon’s disgusting mound of rotting flesh, hoisted in a butterfly fuck swing is an inspiration to us all!” continued Trump.
Trump maintains his body is what a healthy nation should look like. Nutrient deprived and overflowing with old shit.
Washington, D.C.-As expected the 58th Presidential Inauguration began with all of the legitimacy of a county fair in southern Indiana. Just as the customary Hoobastank cover band (Hoobastunk) was concluding their set, the lights cut out, and the sprinkler system began bleeding Mountain Dew Code Red over the faces of the elated faithful.
As the frenzy peaked and Hoobastunk kicked into an extended version of “The Reason,” the slow creak of a rusted tricycle became audible from behind the stage. A robed and bandaged Mike Pence emerged and began pushing a bloated, fully sized doll, which appeared to have soiled itself, onto the stage.
Several members of the audience noticed an idiotic red tie stuffed crudely below a Jigsaw mask which appeared to be holding on for dear life over a nest of orange hair. This coupled with racism and stupidity are noticeable staples of none other than President elect Donald J. Trump. As the swarm of drooling insects erupted in the arena, the doll took the microphone and began to speak.
“Hello America, I want to play a game. Until now you have spent your life under a regime that promoted tolerance and positivty. Existing in relative happiness. But I know that you don’t want that, or do you? The man in front of you today will cause the extinction of the human race. That is, unless I’m impeached. To initiate the impeachment process you must watch a video of me. In it, I lay fully nude in a bed of human hair and get violently pissed on by a herd of very rude…male goats. Will you do what it takes to save mankind?” said Trump, his voice muffled behind the mask, his suit reeking of animal urine.
He exited the stage just as quickly as he entered, explaining to reporters afterwards that he is choosing the Jigsaw persona because he wanted to become more relatable and have a more sympathetic existence than he does now.
The blatant racism, sexism and laundry list of failed businesses seemed like enough to instill a sense of trust and commonality within the American public. And now the finale…a seething, disgusting exclamation point to what is likely the beginning of the end for us all. Though the absurdity of the campaign drew many experts to this conclusion months ago, Trump has officially named Guy Fieri as Secretary of Health for his cabinet of totally qualified experts. “It was the only logical thing to do,” said Trump giving his deceased hair frosted tips. “This is the only guy America loves as much as me! Plus the residents of Flavortown are a minority worth representing! ” he continued his Adams apple struggling against the newly dawned metal ball choker.
“HAHA, ZAOWEEEEE! Cowabungaburger! Do you get any tater with that gator?!” exclaimed Fieri upon hearing the news. “I wasn’t sure I would be ready but once Trump started talking about his meat, I couldn’t resist! Hey where’d my stein of Mountain Dew Code Red go? Arhooooga!” continued Fieri as the blood from a mouthful of raw bison meat trickles onto his Ed Hardy shirt.
Many people believe this is a strategic move to add some intellectual firepower to a campaign in desperate need of it. Fieri’s intellect is exponentially greater than Trumps that’s clear to see. His elevated vocabulary and sense of style set him worlds apart from Trump already. And though his way of making money involves using a pitchfork to cram a bowling ball of pulled chicken, at least he’s actually making money.
This Trump presidency just got way scarier.
Hammond, Indiana-Very little was learned at the first presidential debate where two anemic candidates traded feeble body blows that were vaguely inconsequential to the country as a whole. Though the debate failed to reach the viewership of the Two and a Half Men reruns that routinely run on Monday nights, it did have a singular moment of salvation in the waning moments of narcissism and boredom. The brain like creature that is controlling the poorly made exo-suit that resembles an elderly bigot, announced that if elected, it will systematically eliminate any and all remaining Ninja Turtles and their rat mentor Master Splinter.
Though understood by the country as a whole, that a repulsive alien known as General Krang is controlling the unfeeling, humanoid, Republican candidate, it still came as a shock to many that an age old vendetta with four carefree turtles and an elderly rat still burned so deep.
“Look, I’m fine with the wall, the women hating, the fear driven patriotism, the soul crushing ignorance, and the prospect that we may all be dead a year after election…I’m even fine with using tax dollars to fund the search and slaughter of four crime fighting turtles…but not Master Splinter….not him,” said a tearful Billy Cody, before putting an “I’m with her” bumper sticker on his ATV and riding off into sunset.
Other Trump supporters applauded the prospect of dead turtles, maintaining that it would send a message to other countries that the United States meant business. That the bloody heads of four turtles would be the true definition of making America great again.
Yankee Candle, Mall of America, Bloomington MN-During Donald Trump’s bi-weekly meeting of industry experts, which includes the likes of Spencer Pratt, Pitbull, Brecken Meyer, and Kevin James and alternates in location between Gadzooks and Yankee Candle, something was suggested that could potentially save the country. As the Yankee candles dwindled and the nitrous tank had filled its last balloon, a moment of clarity hit Donald. Maybe it was the considerable balloon filled to the brim with nitrous he had just huffed or the glue the group had been routinely sniffing for the entirety of the meeting, either way Donald had something. A cost effective and extremely efficient way to protect our borders while also creating jobs for this great country.
“The wall idea was so dumb, so shortsighted. What we need is something dynamic, a human centipede that spans from ocean to ocean, mile after mile of sewn human flesh is the only way to protect ourselves,” said Trump exhaling a monster load of nitrous through pursed blue lips. He then proceeded on an incomprehensible rant about the centipede being a cash cow for advertisers and the actual segments of the centipede being paid a damn fare wage. Kevin James farted. Pitbull quietly mumbled “Dale” in somber agreement.
“When I talked about law and order, this is what I meant, I’m talking about Ice-T chasing people down on the (h)ugest human centipede this world has ever seen,” continued Trump gazing into Pitbull’s glistening head like a crystal ball.
The experts had spoken. If Trump wins the presidential election, we’ll all be applying for the lucrative job of first centipede part on either coast.