Chicago, IL-When a Chicago resident saw that Barstool Sports had favorited a Bear Grylls tweet from 2003 involving the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, he knew the time for action was now. After all, if the flesh pile of microwaved deli meat that was running the account that night had huffed enough duster to be examining archived tweets from a fraudulent outdoorsman from more than a decade ago, than this was certainly a cause to get behind.
“I saw a problem and did something to fix that problem by buying a Patagonia hat off of Zappos,” said Holden Grayson Mumford, looking proudly at an outfit assembled entirely out of Facebook ads.
Though the purchase of the hat itself does nothing in the actual preservation effort for one earth’s last true wonders, it does let people know that his entire personality can be distilled into having a vague interest in the notion of loving nature.
“Fail GIFs, side boob, hive mentality and the illusion of being outdoorsy, you don’t even wanna know the amount of pussy I don’t get!” continued Mumford, proudly examining his perfectly characterless face and head.
He is an indistinguishable blemish on the ass of Mama June, a rash not quite painful enough to have a doctor look at, he is no one, and he is everyone.