Chicago, IL-The RompHim, a male version of an already infuriating garment, regardless of gender, was birthed into the world a few weeks ago at a Tilted Kilt in Chicago where a Chainsmokers cover band was playing. Crawling out of the self-satisfied buttholes of a few indiscernible jerks wearing athletic shades and swaddled in a bucket of Michelob Ultra until maturity, the RompHim was prepared to stroke any ego already swelling with the pride of a fraternity at its annual golf pros and tennis hos party.
Bros everywhere are excited to hop in the RompHim to drink beers, hit music festivals, hook up with dime pieces and experience the crippling stranglehold of systematic gender inequality. Say what? G-G-G-Gender Inequality…BOINNGGGGG…ARUUUGAHHHH!!! That’s right, for the first time ever entitled pieces of shit will experience their worst nightmare…being treated like a ch-ch-ch-chickkkkkk! ZOING! (EXPLOSIONS + FUCKING MAN SIRENS)
“It started out great, drinking buckets of low-carb beers, hitting on waitresses, fucking dabbing, physically intimidating BOTH fucking genders, pretty much being sweet as all hell like DUDES DO,” said one customer who chose to remain anonymous. BEING AN ALPHA M-M-M-MALE!
“The day took a weird turn though…especially when a group of other guys started cat calling me on my way home, which was right before I was accused of being a slut after politely turning down a drink in River North. I ended up in an Uber and suffered through a lengthy and completely unwanted conversation,” continued the customer looking more sunken and despondent with each passing second. S-S-S-S-SEXUAL H-H-H-HARASSMENT R-R-R-ROMPHIM! BAROOOGA!
And the RompHim isn’t limited to just the daily social tormenting suffered by women! ARUF? SAY WHAT? UGH HUH! The RompHim will instantly decrease your salary by 20%! W-W-W-WAGE GAP DISPARITY THUMBS UP! Assertiveness and intelligence will be deemed catty and bitchy! H-H-HOW IS THIS PERSON IN A POSITION OF POWER? BOINGO! And let’s not forget being asked to smile more, chicks frowning is a total bummer! SERIOUSLY SOMEONE REPORT THIS SEXIST MANAGER TO HR! ZOING ZOING ZOING HR INCIDENT BUTT CHUG!
So buy the RompHim today, drink a couple Coors Lights at a fast casual restaurant and be a chill bro experiencing debilitating gender discrimination plaguing our nation!
This is in no way a Facebook ad bludgeoning relevant content into a bloodied pulp at the bottom of your feed. Making you suspicious that the birth of your niece might be a marketing campaign to get you to buy the best vape pen designed by NASA engineers. That’s not what this is at all. This is an exclusive one time offer running for the next decade for 2% off any order of over $400 from SKIN denim, the latest trend in luxury denim and the last pair of jeans you’ll ever own.
SKIN denim is a process designed by a group of post-apocalyptic clergymen who wanted to create a pair of jeans that would truly tell your story. They studied ancient Japanese denim crafters for the last four decades and then didn’t use any of their techniques. Instead they use a super intuitive app to get you the most comfortable pair of jeans you’ll ever own…how you ask? Because they’re made out of your own skin.
The process is simple, order a pair of SKIN denim and a box arrives at your door that contains an extremely powerful laser. Read the instructions carefully and use the laser to remove a full layer of skin from belly to ankle. Place the molten skin back in the box and use the free shipping label to send it back to the good folks at SKIN denim.
The skin is then airbrushed by the same person airbrushing t-shirts at your local mall and sent directly to your door with a bottle of rubber cement. Coat the inside of the jeans with rubber cement and slip them on! Be prepared for absolute movement and flexibility while also telling YOUR story as every hair, wrinkle and blemish is on display for the entire world to see.
Be comfortable in your own skin…with SKIN denin.
Abandon what you know about style. About clothing. About your life. Dressing in the present is officially a thing of the past. We should be wearing pigeon feather scarfs, nutria fur beanies and urine soaked newspapers. Flaming Hot Cheeto bags as gloves. The essence of the city. This is Kanye’s post apocalyptic clothing line that has become adoringly known as “YeezaLict”.
Cloths that actually fit are a sign of ignorance and weakness. The new line has two types of fitting; sausage skin or moo moo. Both drawing inspiration from Talbots and Fashion Bug. The perfect combination of rags, ski masks, and dusters were created for almost any post-apocalyptic occasion. Whether it be dining out of a trashcan with a couple of pals or being chased by a swarm of drones, Kanye has you covered.
Do you think that perfectly tailored Marc Jacobs suit is going to get you that new job? Your embarrassing yourself, simple minded peasant. You could spend the equivalent on a soup stained thermal shirt, more pilled than your grandpa’s favorite cotton jeans, and a collar that you could fit around your waist. Kanye recommends stepping into the collar and pulling up, that’s how people do it post apocalypse. He’s been there. We should all be dressing for a time when dirt is currency. Where Keanu is humanity’s only hope.
When someone looks at your wardrobe there should be three conflicting ideas:
1.) You’re from a distant post apocalyptic future
2.) You’ve just finished a MD 20/20 and peed yourself
3.) You fiercely debate the pronunciation of Smaug in AOL chatrooms in your mom’s basement with username: fettucine_alfrodo