Chicago, IL-When a Chicago resident saw that Barstool Sports had favorited a Bear Grylls tweet from 2003 involving the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef, he knew the time for action was now. After all, if the flesh pile of microwaved deli meat that was running the account that night had huffed enough duster to be examining archived tweets from a fraudulent outdoorsman from more than a decade ago, than this was certainly a cause to get behind.
“I saw a problem and did something to fix that problem by buying a Patagonia hat off of Zappos,” said Holden Grayson Mumford, looking proudly at an outfit assembled entirely out of Facebook ads.
Though the purchase of the hat itself does nothing in the actual preservation effort for one earth’s last true wonders, it does let people know that his entire personality can be distilled into having a vague interest in the notion of loving nature.
“Fail GIFs, side boob, hive mentality and the illusion of being outdoorsy, you don’t even wanna know the amount of pussy I don’t get!” continued Mumford, proudly examining his perfectly characterless face and head.
He is an indistinguishable blemish on the ass of Mama June, a rash not quite painful enough to have a doctor look at, he is no one, and he is everyone.
Silicon Valley, CA-We’ve all seen the incredible ingenuity behind Untuckit, the New York based, men’s wear line which harpooned the fashion world by discovering that shirts contain the ability to be untucked. After decades of painstakingly studying Tommy Bahama and Life is Good, Untuckit was finally able to determine that paunchy men with no personalities enjoy remedying their looming depression by buying future landfill fodder.
Continuing in the tradition of waste, a contrarian brand known as Tuck It has birthed through a tower of skid marked jock straps in a characterless suburb of your choosing. Tuck It is a brand new shirt for men that fastens under the gooch, similar to a child’s onesie.
The patented burlap thong back fits perfectly into most sized butt cracks and because it fastens to the revolutionary “scrote-bag” in front, your shirt will stay firmly tucked in even as the rest of your life falls to pieces. As you look into the mirror at your deteriorating body and mind, you can at least take comfort in the fact that you purchased a shirt from a Facebook ad.
Imagine losing your wife and your job in the same day while still looking like the prideful asshole you are. So give up today and say Tuck It.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, a man was spotted wearing a pair of oversized white DC shoes, complete with massive tongue and a lifetime of regret. The shoe, generally reserved for 8th graders who are overcompensating for bottomed out self-esteem, appeared peculiar on a fully grown human with the means and presumable intelligence to wear something else.
The look of pride on the man’s face suggested the same imaginary sense of importance as any teenager debuting a new Hollister sweatshirt at a local piece of shit mall in Northern Indiana, a strange misguided superiority. The look of someone whose peak human experience was as an illiterate, puberty ridden adolescent.
“I looked sweet in 8th grade, and though I wasn’t athletic or smart or funny, and pretty much existed like a tub old bath water sometimes exists, my shoes were dope as hell, I had some piped out jeans AND I almost touched Lindsay Mumford’s boob once,” said Terry Lapadat adjusting an oversized Fox Racing shirt.
By refusing to surrender the enormous skate shoes, Monster Energy shirt and wallet chain, he is refusing to give up on the mindset of Skate or Die…steadfastly defending a state of perpetual puberty and refusing to abandon the dream of perhaps even one day touching a boob.
Chance the rapper eating avocado toast-Chance the Rapper proved once again that he can do no wrong as thousands of rabid fans witnessed a 4 hour performance which involved him eating a piece of avocado toast, digesting it, and shitting it out, with impeccable accuracy, into a can of Pamplemousse La Croix. All the while his band ripped through an EDM version of Despacito an unprecedented 150 times. Crowd members who had mistaken urinal cakes for giant Molly pills collapsed and openly wept. Those in attendance called it a modern day miracle and noted that no other performance could so accurately represent an entire generation.
PornHub sponsored Porta Potties-In an effort to increase wait times at porta potties, Lollapalooza and Pornhub partnered to birth the Porna Potty. Every porta potty was crudely retrofitted with a VR headset and a communal ball of Vaseline. Guests could SEAMLESSLY upgrade to a Brazzers premium account by tapping their officially licensed Lollapalooza fidget spinner credit card against one of the sweaty walls of the sickening sex dens. Lollapalooza is considering converting the entirety of the festival to a more porn and toilet forward format next year. A pink eye epidemic has since consumed the city.
Drone petting zoo-Anyone looking to take a quick break from the music could enter a majestic drone habitat in which thousands of drones were available to pet or feed tiny grain pellets to. Guests stared in awe at the blinking red lights of the drones as they suspiciously recorded footage for whatever sick fuck was flying them. The tiny zoo was conveniently located next to the lollapalooza lost and found where guests could root around in a giant box of fingers in an attempt to find one of similar length and girth to the one they just had severed by one of the drone propellers.
Vape charging station-Catering to those in attendance, all cell phone charging stations were replaced with vape charging stations. Because nothing else matters in this world if you can’t blow a huge fucking plume at a festival.
DJ Khalid cover band played the entire Emoji Movie soundtrack-The DJ Khalid cover band took their iPod shuffles on a WALK Sunday at 3:30 a.m. Twelve overweight dudes wearing velour track suits and wielding synched up iPod shuffles…blasted out banger after banger! No one could have anticipated them pressing play at the same time and letting the entirety of the Emoji Movie soundtrack playout. A true treat for any real EDM fans!
Chicago, IL-The RompHim, a male version of an already infuriating garment, regardless of gender, was birthed into the world a few weeks ago at a Tilted Kilt in Chicago where a Chainsmokers cover band was playing. Crawling out of the self-satisfied buttholes of a few indiscernible jerks wearing athletic shades and swaddled in a bucket of Michelob Ultra until maturity, the RompHim was prepared to stroke any ego already swelling with the pride of a fraternity at its annual golf pros and tennis hos party.
Bros everywhere are excited to hop in the RompHim to drink beers, hit music festivals, hook up with dime pieces and experience the crippling stranglehold of systematic gender inequality. Say what? G-G-G-Gender Inequality…BOINNGGGGG…ARUUUGAHHHH!!! That’s right, for the first time ever entitled pieces of shit will experience their worst nightmare…being treated like a ch-ch-ch-chickkkkkk! ZOING! (EXPLOSIONS + FUCKING MAN SIRENS)
“It started out great, drinking buckets of low-carb beers, hitting on waitresses, fucking dabbing, physically intimidating BOTH fucking genders, pretty much being sweet as all hell like DUDES DO,” said one customer who chose to remain anonymous. BEING AN ALPHA M-M-M-MALE!
“The day took a weird turn though…especially when a group of other guys started cat calling me on my way home, which was right before I was accused of being a slut after politely turning down a drink in River North. I ended up in an Uber and suffered through a lengthy and completely unwanted conversation,” continued the customer looking more sunken and despondent with each passing second. S-S-S-S-SEXUAL H-H-H-HARASSMENT R-R-R-ROMPHIM! BAROOOGA!
And the RompHim isn’t limited to just the daily social tormenting suffered by women! ARUF? SAY WHAT? UGH HUH! The RompHim will instantly decrease your salary by 20%! W-W-W-WAGE GAP DISPARITY THUMBS UP! Assertiveness and intelligence will be deemed catty and bitchy! H-H-HOW IS THIS PERSON IN A POSITION OF POWER? BOINGO! And let’s not forget being asked to smile more, chicks frowning is a total bummer! SERIOUSLY SOMEONE REPORT THIS SEXIST MANAGER TO HR! ZOING ZOING ZOING HR INCIDENT BUTT CHUG!
So buy the RompHim today, drink a couple Coors Lights at a fast casual restaurant and be a chill bro experiencing debilitating gender discrimination plaguing our nation!
This is in no way a Facebook ad bludgeoning relevant content into a bloodied pulp at the bottom of your feed. Making you suspicious that the birth of your niece might be a marketing campaign to get you to buy the best vape pen designed by NASA engineers. That’s not what this is at all. This is an exclusive one time offer running for the next decade for 2% off any order of over $400 from SKIN denim, the latest trend in luxury denim and the last pair of jeans you’ll ever own.
SKIN denim is a process designed by a group of post-apocalyptic clergymen who wanted to create a pair of jeans that would truly tell your story. They studied ancient Japanese denim crafters for the last four decades and then didn’t use any of their techniques. Instead they use a super intuitive app to get you the most comfortable pair of jeans you’ll ever own…how you ask? Because they’re made out of your own skin.
The process is simple, order a pair of SKIN denim and a box arrives at your door that contains an extremely powerful laser. Read the instructions carefully and use the laser to remove a full layer of skin from belly to ankle. Place the molten skin back in the box and use the free shipping label to send it back to the good folks at SKIN denim.
The skin is then airbrushed by the same person airbrushing t-shirts at your local mall and sent directly to your door with a bottle of rubber cement. Coat the inside of the jeans with rubber cement and slip them on! Be prepared for absolute movement and flexibility while also telling YOUR story as every hair, wrinkle and blemish is on display for the entire world to see.
Be comfortable in your own skin…with SKIN denin.
Abandon what you know about style. About clothing. About your life. Dressing in the present is officially a thing of the past. We should be wearing pigeon feather scarfs, nutria fur beanies and urine soaked newspapers. Flaming Hot Cheeto bags as gloves. The essence of the city. This is Kanye’s post apocalyptic clothing line that has become adoringly known as “YeezaLict”.
Cloths that actually fit are a sign of ignorance and weakness. The new line has two types of fitting; sausage skin or moo moo. Both drawing inspiration from Talbots and Fashion Bug. The perfect combination of rags, ski masks, and dusters were created for almost any post-apocalyptic occasion. Whether it be dining out of a trashcan with a couple of pals or being chased by a swarm of drones, Kanye has you covered.
Do you think that perfectly tailored Marc Jacobs suit is going to get you that new job? Your embarrassing yourself, simple minded peasant. You could spend the equivalent on a soup stained thermal shirt, more pilled than your grandpa’s favorite cotton jeans, and a collar that you could fit around your waist. Kanye recommends stepping into the collar and pulling up, that’s how people do it post apocalypse. He’s been there. We should all be dressing for a time when dirt is currency. Where Keanu is humanity’s only hope.
When someone looks at your wardrobe there should be three conflicting ideas:
1.) You’re from a distant post apocalyptic future
2.) You’ve just finished a MD 20/20 and peed yourself
3.) You fiercely debate the pronunciation of Smaug in AOL chatrooms in your mom’s basement with username: fettucine_alfrodo