Chicago, IL-After 7 years of wholehearted neglect, bordering on purposeful sabotage, Mayor Emanuel has decided to give back to the city he destroyed. Unprecedented rat swarms, soaring murder rates, and failing schools are all prized achievements for a city being used as the Mayor’s personal glory hole. Though as his resignation looms Rahm now scrambles to save his legacy while also properly lubing the glory hole for the next sadistic fuck to have a go at it.

“One thing that I have never faltered on in my disgraced time as Mayor is the idea that if we can teach at risk youth to slack line even half as good as any given Phish fan, it could save this city,” said Emanuel looking like an absolute sniveling little tattletale on the Brown Line.

Formal education, economic assistance or fundamental investments in community have all been passed on in favor of blowing the rest of the city’s budget on a top of the line school which will teach an activity generally reserved for unsuccessful burnouts.

“Watch me do it! I mean this is really hard!” said a grinning Emanuel to a group of uninterested and confused students as he wobbled on the idiotic rope hung between two trees.

So as the city crumbles, we’ll at least have several pockets of children who have been forced against their will to learn how to slack line.