Chicago, IL-On Saturday, a man was seen staring whimsically out of a window at New Wave Coffee in Logan Square, his left hand rested limply yet somehow thoughtfully placed on a mint copy of A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole. The book appeared blatantly without wear, with all of the shine and smugness of a freshly bought copy from Barnes & Noble, making him instantly superior to any other primitive dregs strewn about the coffee shop.
“It looks like a really good book, I’ve been threatening to read it for over 5 years now. People seem pretty impressed with my ability to carry a book around for half a decade,” said Terry Horvath
Though he’s never actually read a single page of A Confederacy of Dunces, it’s proven to be a perfect prop to brood over at varying breweries and coffee shops around the city.
“The mere thought of reading the book is so powerful, so overwhelming, that I end up just moodily staring into the abyss hoping that an attractive woman notices and approaches me,” continued Horvath, tracing his finger seductively over the smooth cover of the book.
Chicago, IL-An Uber driver with an unwilling audience trapped in the confines of his 2003 Chevy Malibu just dropped the “but” heard round the world. The passengers had been subject to several other uninteresting stories which passed with relative passivity, more or less exposing a somewhat sad life that paired perfectly with the scent of wet dog and cigarettes plaguing the soiled cloth interior of the car.
Though just as the riders settled into what they believed to be a 15 minute penance of mundanity, the Uber driver figured that because they had entered into a contract in which he drove them to a certain location in exchange for payment, it was the perfect time to unveil some deep seated racism.
“You know, I’m not a racist,” the Uber driver muttered, glancing in the rearview mirror seeking some type of conciliatory eye contact, the passengers braced themselves for the atrocity that was surely coming, the horrific amending qualifier that would cause one passenger to swallow his entire fist and the other to recite the entire script to the movie Last Vegas in ancient Hebrew.
“But,” said the cab driver before launching into a lunatic story in which race should have been completely irrelevant. The statement prior to the qualifier obviously making him exempt from any kind of judgement, as, if someone audibly states they are not racist, it gives them free reign to spew hatred at will.
The ride mercifully ended at some point or another, the driver fell asleep, like every other night, alone to the laugh track of Last Man Standing with a 5th of Vodka and a tear soaked pillow.
Mundelein, IL-An area woman who has been spewing her uninteresting consciousness onto Instagram for unfortunate followers to lap up and occasionally give an obligatory “like” to in an effort to maintain a dwindling friendship, has come under fire after followers realized there was virtually no difference in her daily “vibes” posts.
In order to fill the momentary gap in which there is absolutely nothing else to announce, share, react to, or offer an ill-informed opinion on, one woman has resorted to posting a flurry of heavily filtered selfies with indeterminable, albeit emotionless expressions accompanied by thoughtless captions like “Friday Vibes.”
Followers became suspicious after every single day of the week’s vibe appeared identical, raising concern whether or not the person is a computer program attempting to convince the world it was human.
“People deserve to know what I’m feeling! Even if it’s literally nothing at all!” said the woman passively scrolling through an endless world of meaningless content.
(This in no way reflects the person below who vehemently opposes vibez pics, tho the picture was just too perfect not to use)
Rockford, Illinois-A new NBC gameshow, transcendent in both idea and relatability, has been sweeping the nation since its highly anticipated debut on Monday night. Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? Is the newest hit game show that has brought the country to its knees.
Hosted by someone who looks like Steve Harvey’s brother and named Chip Crabs, the show involves married couples sitting in an elaborate contraption and exchanging farts, after each rip, they are required to guess whether or not their partner sharted their pants. Judges then check under garments for blowouts to determine if the guess is correct. Each correct guess earns them a crisp two dollar bill, with the potential to earn up to $60 in exchange for humiliating themselves on live television.
Several obscure critics who actually watched the show are calling Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? “A bath in the sewage of mankind,” “A fart filled romp,” and “Nothing can break up the week like breaking wind!” So tune in to Did I Shart My Pants or Nah? to find out which contestants will have to use the prize money to buy a new pair of pants!
Washington, D.C.-In another act of enduring incompetence, rivaled only by the initial stupidity of destroying the internet, the repeal on Net Neutrality has been re-repealed. The panicked order came only days after the initial repeal, after FCC Chairman and national symbol for spineless lackeys, Ajit Pai, discovered that the internet was necessary for streaming high definition pornography.
“I don’t know a lot about the internet, but what I lack in knowledge for the internet, I make up for in knowledge of hardcore pornography, huffing keyboard duster, and being incapable of wiping my own ass” said Pai, smugly taking a long pull from his duster canister.
Pai has dubbed himself the savior of the internet and the messiah of streaming.
“Everyone should have the inherit right to return home from a job they tolerate, to an unfulfilled wife, and watch PornHub while huffing duster without worrying about throttle or lag. I know I’m sleeping easier,” continued Pai, between quiet sobs into the loving arms of a Comcast executive.
Hollywood, CA-The unanimous titan of creating semi-outdated popular music compilations has made another splash in a thriving mixed CD industry which appears as timeless and lucrative as gold or silver. NOW That’s What I Call Music! will pioneer in a new, more sophisticated era of music with an album compiled solely of vuvuzela covers. The 72 minute horn epic will be conducted and curated by none other than famed jazz vuvuzela composer Bill Biscane.
“The fact that any morsel of pop music created in the last five years is microwaved bath water affords me certain creative liberties while doing vuvuzela covers, actually the dull drone of a plastic horn is more challenging than anything you’d hear on the radio,” said Biscane meticulously rearranging his collection of colored plastic horns.
For only four payments of $19.99 pop music fans can hear someone slobber on a novelty toy for almost a full hour as they repeatedly attempt and fail to wipe their own ass.
Critics are calling NOW That’s What I Call Vuvuzela Music! ”The complete realization of the deterioration of popular music,” “Something to listen to while taking a painful, nutrient deprived dump in your piece of shit apartment,” and “An album that a grazing herd of inbred goats may enjoy, which makes its popularity that much more alarming.” So buy the album today!
Chicago, IL-On Thursday, an already stagnant conversation was mercifully put down like a sickly hound after an area dullard managed to muster arguably the most lukewarm joke in history. The discussion, which had all of the vigor and sophistication of the lips and buttholes comprising hotdog filler, involved an article that one of the parties had read online. Taking this is a que to wipe the drool from his chin and offer something utterly forgettable, Phillip Biggins sprang into action.
“So I says to her I says…”Yeah because if you read it online it HAS to be true!” That coupled with a well-timed eye roll and a self-satisfying grin gets them every time!” said Biggins of the woefully boring incident.
The statement that has functioned as a historical crutch for people with absolutely nothing to say, but still find themselves compelled to contribute.
“When I saw the polite smile and her visibly trying to think of an excuse for how to promptly exit the situation, I knew it was time to extend the joke by saying “Everything on the internet is true!”” continued Biggins, fondly recalling her sheepish smile, ripe with pity.
Biggins retreated to his studio apartment later that night and fell asleep by himself watching reruns of Two and a Half Men.
Get a massage from a Disney character at the “Chill Spa”
Nothing is more relaxing than getting worked by the ample and eager fingers of some of your favorite Disney characters. Lie down on the perspiring leather folding table that people have been stinking up since the first day of the 35 day cruise and let your thoughts wander to simpler times. Few things in this world can put you more at rest than pieces of felt falling from the shoddily crafted costume and sticking to your drenched back. The massive white stuffed gloves on most characters can generate a lot of heat, so be prepared for your muscles to melt under the rhythmic churn of a dead eyed, smiling mascot.
Watch Disney movies in germ ridden theater
The one major complaint on most cruise ships is the fresh air and the view. Disney has bent over backwards to remedy this for you by allowing you and your kids to escape any beautiful weather outside and instead huddle in a dingy theater to watch Frozen for the 500th time. Who needs a tan when you can listen to Let it Go over the wail of a thousand other brats and pay $19 for a half a bag of Sno-Caps. The janitorial staff only cleans the theater after the end of the cruise so get ready for a big gum wad on the back of your pants! Get the full theater experience but with all of the additional parasites and germs of a cruise ship! You’ll be singing Let It Go days later as the vomit and diarrhea pour out of you like Elsa’s beautiful voice!
Go to a live show to examine failed acting careers
Watch failing actors struggle to make ends meet! See the actual desperation in Aladdin’s eyes as he struggles to revive his career aboard a Disney Cruise Ship. Will he make it onto a daytime soap opera as an extra? Perhaps a straight to DVD release is in his near future. It all comes down to this rendition of “A Whole New World,” will he escape the confines of this godforsaken ship or be stuck here for an eternity? Find out now!
Discover how favorite Disney characters would taste with dinner at the Enchanted Garden
The Winnie the Poo sausage? The Mickey Mouse burger (made with real nutria)? The options are limitless at the Enchanted Garden, where you can taste how all of your favorite Disney characters would taste. The rabies riddled Meeko the Raccoon tenderloin will have those taste buds tingling for days! Don’t forget about the General Tso’s Chicken Little.
Examine the strength of the human condition as Characters struggle to walk in severe heat
Watch as characters wrestle with consciousness as they walk along the smoldering hot decks of the ship. There is no limit to the hilarity of a staggering Pluto clawing his way to the refuge of a pee soaked pool. Some will appear deceased as they sit motionless in the sun chairs, that just means they’re having a good time! If you get really lucky, you’ll see one of them hurling over the side before tipping over the railing into the abyss!
Hammond, IN-The Mighty Bits junior soccer team, currently ranked dead last in the 6-8 year old division, disappointed their loyal following yet again on Saturday after being left for dead by the Mini Cobras on a neglected soccer field in rural Indiana. Parents with hopes of someday seeing their kid get cut from a JV soccer team senior year in high school and never play soccer again, wept openly on the sidelines as the oranges they provided as sustenance at halftime somehow made the team even more sluggish.
The flood of sugar and acid on an empty stomach combined with the mouthful of ever thickening, unswallowable spit that an orange provides should have theoretically been enough to overcome the 10 goal halftime deficit, but most of the Mighty Bits team was left washing their sticky hands and faces with the tears of defeat after the opposition scored another 10 goals after half.
Several disinterested children received warnings from concerned parents after the match reached a it’s merciful conclusion. The parents informed players that the college scout at the game, which turned out to be merely a feral dog consumed with rabies, saw their terrible performance and would probably never give them an imaginary scholarship offer to play soccer at University of Phoenix online.
Some parents speculate that had Mrs. Connors splurged on the organic oranges, the results may have been vastly different. Several guests in attendance were taken to the hospital after being bitten by the apparent college scout.
Chicago, IL-On Tuesday, an area man eased his way onto a crowded escalator like a dying old man into the last bath he’d ever take, though unlike lying motionless and in solitude in a pool of your own filth, the escalator during rush hour can sometimes beckon mild physical activity and vague awareness of surroundings.
“When I get on that escalator, it’s ME time. I require total stillness for personal reflection in the form of listening to the Chainsmokers and consuming fucking content. If you’ve got a problem with that you can take it up with my oversized JanSport,” said Terry McDonough, inching his way down the escalator as hordes of angry commuters miss yet another departing train.
The spiritual war McDonough wages transcends merely him, an escalator, and the furious mob behind him. By not allowing people to pass by McDonough serves as a beacon of indifference and a prophet of immobility. A revolutionary that is brave enough to admit that being stationary and refreshing uninteresting social media feeds is more important than being courteous.