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Imagine Dragons says protest situation could have been avoided with larger drum

Washington D.C. – The bastard child of Dilly Dilly, vague Christianity and the 300 workout has come forward to cast another ill informed opinion into the sickening pool of fluids collected from the hyena orgy surrounding the events that occurred at the Lincoln Memorial several days ago.

“It’s pretty simple, if Mr. Phillips had used a massive drum like we do to bludgeon the audience with bath water Christian rock, this whole thing could have been completely avoided,” said lead vocalist of Imagine Dragons, Dan Reynolds. 

An enormous drum is the perfect substitute for musical talent, personality or otherwise. This undeniably large object is something even the dumbest person can conceptually grasp, and with the added bonus of winning any argument by simply screaming RADIOACTIVE!

“I respect what he was doing, but imagine if he had ripped the first two notes to our new hit song Natural Radioactive Thunder,  the kid would have instantly shit his pants doing a Fortnite dance before retreating home to beat off alone,” continued Reynolds. 

Another incredible twist in the undying tale of our country.