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Canada Goose launches new line of coats made out of humans

Chicago IL – In an effort to combat negative press regarding mistreatment of geese, Canada goose is now offering coats made out of humans. The company, renowned for making unaffordable and fully unnecessary coats for people wanting to appear even more insufferable than they already are, is now offering what is being described as an even more premium brand experience.

The logo itself is already synonymous with a certain cherub faced caricature of a person, fully content with every aspect of their life and incapable of enduring even the slightest hardship occurring outside of their luxury coat and its brand blast radius…and now the company is ready to take it to the next level.

“By creating these coats out of humans, the people now have a story to go along with the coat. Every great piece of clothing has a story, so now it’s time to write yours,” said VP of Marketing at Canada Goose Alphonso Knudson as he examined several hundred yards of unrivaled human skin.

The company couldn’t confirm how they were acquiring all of the skin and varying other body parts that make up the new coat, but guaranteed that they got it at a fair price and will be marking it up by the standard 5000% before it hits the end customer.

“It’s not even that warm of a coat and you have to apply Vaseline every hour to prevent it from drying out and disintegrating, but think about how impressed friends and colleagues will be with your ability to spend a shit ton of money on a coat crafted from suspiciously harvested human body parts,” continued Knudson stroking a predictable goatee with unusually soft fingers.