Though it’s only June and weather has been downright comfortable, perhaps even bordering on delightful, one Chicago couple is already exhausted with the glimpse of summer that makes enduring brutal winters year after year all worth it. Trevor Parker and his wife Jane Scott-Parker maintain that though grilling, the beach, music festivals, drinking on roofs, biking and otherwise letting the sun breathe life into your pale, lifeless, winter body are all fine and well, they are ready for it to all be over.
“I’m just ready to put on my UGGS and oversized Pendleton sweater, watch Netflix and drink hot apple cider,” said Scott-Parker looking exasperatedly at the sun. “SO ready for fall,” giggled her husband approvingly, longing for the lumber sexual identity that serves as sufficient camouflage for having no real personality of his own. Both maintained that summer is noticeably absent of anything cozy and furthermore layering is kept at a depressing minimum.
“There are two things I love; Fall and my little Pumpkin Spice Latte Snuggle Monkey right here,” continued Parker, his back sweat reaching critical levels while trying to force through a flannel day as soon as the temperature dipped below 83 degrees.
The couple joins an ever growing movement of tedious autumn enthusiasts that for perplexing reasons are obsessed only with the notion of coziness. These people forget that there’s a sleeping giant lying in the wake, ready to make our lives hell as soon as the temperature begins to drop. This couple and anyone else ready for fall can fuck off.