Hammond, IN – After revealing the sexual proclivities of Albus Dumbledore, the Harry Potter universe has been set ablaze with rabid and generally uninformed speculation. Was Dobby a change of pace cuckholder in Mr. and Mrs. Weasley’s dwindling marriage? Was there an intricate network of magical glory holes carved into the ancient Hogwarts walls? Did Ron have a horcrux hidden in his Prince Albert? Were Harry’s glasses actually used primarily for centaur upskirts? Did Snape actually die in an AEA accident? The answer is “yes” to all, in case you were wondering, but judgemental prudes everywhere will argue that none of those are a possibility in a fictitious wizard universe.

But now the Harry Potter World at Universal Studios Orlando is leaning into the action. Proving once and for all that Hogwarts was more or less a school to pursue your wildest fantasy. The newest ride, in both literal and figurative sense, is a sorting hat which requires attendees to have sex with it before assigning them to a house.

This was the original vision for the hat sorting mechanism but was cut from the film as the director demanded it be animatronic and it proved too expensive based on the production budget. So load up on a 30 rack of butter beer lite and break that 10 month dry spell you’ve been battling while also being sorted into an imaginary student housing unit!