After some asshole decided to fuck a dying, diseased pangolin and plunge the world into complete chaos, it has been pretty miserable. The act of transcendent gluttony and utter disregard for consequences outside of a three-second orgasm is one of the most vile displays of avarice ever witnessed. Fortunately, for the rest of us, we can wither away in the confines of our own homes, worry about loved ones and routinely empty our drool tins after watching another legacy season of The Voice.
The government has been slow to respond to the pandemic, but most University of Phoenix accredited doctors have recommended the below actions to stay sane and healthy during these trying times.
- Do not poop until the President explicitly gives permission, this could be weeks or months so buy plenty of corks from the store to stop any leakage
- Buy a Cameo from both Spencer Pratt and Gary from Teen Mom and have them gently whisper that things will be alright to you
- Have one television always streaming the X-rated version of Marley and Me, where Owen Wilson is forced to blast Marley in the back of the head with a shotgun after both develop rabies
- Huff plenty of computer duster and listen to the new Danielle Bregoli album
- Cut out a mask of Simon Cowell and host your own America’s Got Talent with the discounted Real Doll you bought while others were buying Toilet Paper at Costco
- This should include a singing portion, a dancing portion and a special skills bonus round
- Play Candy Crush Farm XXXL Zoo Saga instead of talking to loved ones
- Post a fully nude video of yourself performing Dr. Evil and Mini Me’s version of Hard Knocks Life on LinkedIn to tempt future employers
- Clone yourself and harvest its organs
- Drink plenty of water