I have always loved Greek yogurt, but like most people, I prefer mine to be room-temp and seafood-forward. The lunatics at Chobani have been on an unprompted and unholy crusade to add fruit to the mix for years so it should come as no surprise that the Greek yogurt titan has been slowly bludgeoned into irrelevance.
Every cup containing a dormant layer of fruit mash, eager to betray the consumer with each heaving spoonful of curdled slop. The strawberry puree cuts into your unsuspecting taste buds with the ease of Brutus’s dagger into the top of Cesar’s head. With the paleo diet peaking and people’s obsession with depriving themselves of even the slightest joy at hysterical levels, Chobani has launched a new flavor of yogurt. One that could change the landscape of your coworker’s stale breath for the rest of your insufferable time together.
Cod at the bottom Chobani is the new fish-forward yogurt that will have you reminiscing on the glory days of Red Lobster all you can eat garbage disposal parfaits and the short-lived Tuna Go-gurt. Personally, when the first cube of raw cod slid seamlessly down my throat it was the most blissful moment I have had in the last 10 years.
I am truly excited to see the evolution of the official preferred food of unnecessary five-hour strategy meetings.