Chicago, IL-A man wearing newly minted luxury workout gear, a visor and athletic shades was seen absolutely giving it to an elliptical machine late last Thursday. He remained on the machine for hours as onlookers stared on in horror at the flailing mass of limbs, his legs moving so quickly at times that they slipped from the idiotic looking foot holders of the elliptical, which was set at a zero resistance setting. His agonized face searching for absolutely anyone to make eye contact with. So that he could, without bothersome words, express juts how hard he was giving it to that elliptical machine.
Sweat poured down as the man performed classic elliptical tricks like stopping and going in reverse and standing on one foot while using only his arms to propel himself, all universally understood to be completely ineffective at actually burning calories. All designed to look as frisky as humanely possible.
The neon yellow tank top, oversized Beats by Dre wireless headphones and long tights underneath running shorts all contributed to the intensity of fitness illusion, as each horribly executed revolution of the elliptical inched his knee closer to a career ending blowout. As he finally climbed off the machine that he had driven into the ground for the last two and a half hours, he looked back in satisfaction, neglecting to wipe the pool of sweat that had gathered on the monitor.
58 calories burned in two and a half hours, time well spent under the fluorescent lights of an XSPORT Fitness.
Chicago, IL-We’ve seen it all when it comes to yoga studios finding new ways for students to relax. From goat yoga to beer yoga consumers are always looking for ways to light time and money on fire in an effort to capture a boastful Instagram picture. But one yoga studio is maintaining pace with the current state of humanity and relaxing its customers in the zaniest of ways…with cans of duster!
That’s right, Duster Yoga is here and it ain’t going nowhere! For only $300 a session, customers are given a burlap sack full of shredded newspaper to lounge on, a loosie cigarette and full canister of duster! And with over 20 different brands of high-end duster available, there’s a flavor out there for even the most sophisticated duster enthusiast!
Lay back and forget your daily worries, your stresses and concerns, and the last 10 years of your life, as you burn over 20,000 brain cells in the first 10 minutes of class! Let legendary duster shaman, Alphonso Knudson, guide you in a life-changing brain-dead meditation as you seize helplessly in a nest of old newspaper before quietly submitting to unconsciousness for 18 straight hours.
Join the latest craze today and get downward dusted!
Chicago, IL-A new fitness center located in River North of Chicago is causing quite the stir amongst the several wealthy people that can afford classes there. “It’s a community and a family, with absolutely no judgement, no pretense and a love for all walks of life,” said one member dabbing his forehead with a freshly caught lobster.
The boutique studio is known only as Theory X and is described as a tibata and barre hybrid with a splash of hot yoga and a garnish of spin with a colonic finish.
Each class is a wholesome, one of a kind experience, which occurs four times a day at hundreds of identical locations across the country. Tailored specifically to instill a sense of purpose, community and undying hubris that absolutely anyone able to pay $300 a class is more than welcome to enjoy.
“All members are required to wear brand new Lululemon to every class, with tags being heavily scrutinized, so the workout ends up being about $450 per,” said another member daintily sipping a slightly chilled acai infused Figi water, positioning herself for yet another post-workout selfie, the slight glisten on her forehead serving as a beacon of hope for anyone stupid enough to simply run outside.
“You can’t put a price on fitness though! Or instagram content for that matter!” Continued the member forgetting that fitness is objectively free. The promotion to buy 10 classes then also pay for the 11th, and then be locked into a 5-year-long blood contract has almost expired, so ask yourself…are you ready to #Theory?